I’ve been known to give much better advice than I can ever actually follow, and I’m experiencing the marked discomfort of being faced with my suggestions.

I wrote several times in Lotus about individuals within the dance community strengthening themselves for the good of the collective. “We must each bring something to the community for the collective force to be strong,” I rallied. “Otherwise, we risk homogeneity and stagation: a group of people who only have their affiliation to eachother as an accomplishment.” Break out and do your own thing!, I encouraged my readers. Stop being a lemming and advance your-fucking-self!

Yet, here I am, trying to do something for myself and feeling tharny (that’s a word from Watership Down. It describes what rabbits and other animals do when they’re so terrified they become immoble, ala a deer in the headlights). Going to NYC this summer is taking me away from my beloved left coast just when things are gearing up. All my friends come out of the woodwork to dance in the woods, crews of wandering revelers travel up and down the coast between LA and Victoria, and I’ll be in Manhattan. Working on myself. If this is so great, then why do I feel sad?

Just last week I was telling Jorsh, Megasoul’s roommate, that spending a day at home doing nothing is a blessing, “the trick is to enjoy the downtime,” I added righteously, like I was the master of loafing around and feeling good about it. It’s good to have some time to just rest and be in your homespace, I told him, don’t feel guilty! Fight the urge to always DO DO DO. Yet, here I am, at home, on the verge of missing a gathering that Andreas and Lauren (a wonderful Olympian woman who went down to the GOTT conference with us) are throwing a tonight, and I’m trying to tell myself it’s because I’m sick or depressed or something. Why, it MUST be that, because it simply COULDN’T be that I’m just tired and needing to spend some time alone at home.

…the trick is to enjoy the downtime…

Working on it.