As I said before, I’ve gotten a lot of emails from prospective Columbia Publishing Course students. Recently, I’ve been getting even more, because CPC is starting next week.

I got one today from a woman named Jessica. I’m reprinting our correspondence because I figured that other up-n-coming CPCers could find it useful, and alums (Hi, Amanda, Amy, Nikki, Terra, and those of you who are lurking) might get a laugh. The rest of you? Just nod and smile.

First, selections of Jessica’s (quite witty) email:

Ms. Meadows,
Now, late in the game, I should email you, and ask you for tips. How
exactly does one handle a sherry hour? The only person I know who
ever drank sherry was a college friend who grew up in Manhattan. I
suspect he starched his shirts. Anyway, I am totally unconvinced that
I can handle this level of conversation, as most of my drinks in the
past came from a keg or were mixed with soda (soda pop, not soda
water). If we are standing around drinking, but not to get drunk,
what is the etiquette? You are older and wiser, so you have a wise
answer, I’m sure.

Also, what on earth should we bring (other than clothes, since we
shouldn’t go naked in public)? And how many nervous breakdowns are we
going to have (a collective answer is fine, then we can start a
betting pool). And how bad is the market right now? Should I bother
looking for an apartment or should I save up for that teachers’
licensing course? And did Christopher Hitchens really talk about how
much he hated Mother Teresa? He really, really hated her, didn’t he?
(Her and Bill Clinton.)

Sincerely,
Jessica

Selections of my response:
1. Sherry Hour
You’ve gotten in good practice with your kegs: the only alcohol at “Sherry
Hour” is cheap white wine in plastic cups. I do not know why they insist on
still referring to sherry, but I think it must have something to do with old
East Coast dogmas that a Left Coaster like myself knows nothing of.

2. Sherry Hour Etiquette
Swarm around whoever looks important and try to say things that are A)
smarter B) funnier and C) more interesting than your classmates.

I always found sherry hour nauseating. I’m a charmer, but there was
something horrific to me about the desperate lap dog “pweeze be my
fwend!” atmosphere at Sherry Hours.

My best advice is to do what I did: stand with a few fellow digruntled
classmates in the corner and critique everyone else’s efforts.

3. Things to bring
Bring some flip flops for trundling around the dorm halls, and your lap top,
if you have one. Some personal business cards of some sort are also
useful, even if they’re just from Kinko’s. I also advise bringing quarters for
laundry, and a small blanket: it gets really REALLY cold in the lecture hall.

4. Nervous breakdowns
Expect one at the end of the first week of class (three 2 1/2 hour lectures a
day starts to feel like a LOT by Friday night), and then a couple more
during the book workshop. Then one more near the end when you
realize you’re out of money and don’t have a job. That should be it.

A note about the book workshop: it is DESIGNED to make you panic.
Assignments due at 9am are very intentionally not passed out until 10pm,
forcing you to stay up until 3am. It’s an evil little game they like to play, it
seems, testing everyone to see who bursts into tears, who can’t be fucked
to care, and who buckles down productively. There was a student last year
(his name was Ron, he was in his early 40s and had worked in the white
house) who just said, straight up “I am going to bed by midnight,
regardless of anything else. I know the real world well enough to know
that if you’re not well-rested and well-fed, you’re destined to fail.”

This was in stark contrast to the fresh-out-of-college students who stayed
up for 48 hours at a time, working to crank out mock publicity reports or
mock subsidiary rights papers. Just remember that the book workshop is
set up to make you panic. Once you see that it’s a game, and realize that
the “real world” is nothing like that, hopefully you’ll be able to minimize
your nervous breakdowns. I only had one, and it was on the very last night
of the workshop, when the “publisher” of our “house” collapsed in a heap of
tears after her computer crashed and ate six hours of her (unsaved) work.
Learn from her mistake: do not try to put ALL the documents into one word
document. And for godsake: turn on autosave.

5. How bad is the market
Real bad. Especially if you’re in magazines. If you’re in books, you’ll be ok.
Either way, you won’t make much money. This is why I’ve returned to the
word whoring of copywriting.

6. Save for apartment?
Yes. Look in Brooklyn.

7. Christopher Hitchins
He actually didn’t bitch TOO much about Mother Theresa, but he was
highly entertaining, nevertheless. I especially loved how he kept calling
L.H., the director of the course who had introduced him as “my very
good friend,” by the wrong name. You will understand the vast humor of
this when you meet Lindy.

Oh and PS: Whatever you do, don’t stand too close to Ed Victor.

Feel free to ask more questions. Now…go kick ass!