Do I have any malicious New York City readers? Because I need someone to go reek some havok at a bowling alley at 1am on Valentine’s night.

You see, some dumbasses in NYC are throwing a rave at a bowling alley that night, and they have been spamming me (and god knows how many thousands of other totally uninterested people who don’t live in New York) for days, sending me dozens of messages about their goddamned “Kosmic Bowl.. V-DAY.. :) NYC …$5.00 Party!!!!!!!!!!!”

Seriously: The messages just keep coming and coming and coming, each one from a different address, each one reminding me that, “This will be a nice nite out for you & will last as long as you want it to. Please respect the venue & each other. We won’t ask again. There will be two sound systems…PUMPIN’!!!, video games, a snack bar with every food, candy, pretzels, ice cream…mad phun stuff!”

Can this form of promoting an event actually be effective? Maybe spam works for penis enlargement, where for every 2 million emails you send out, there’s one desperate little man sitting in a basement feeling bad enough about himself to click on your link. But this is a party they’re promoting…if i was in New York, and if I like hardcore, and if I thought “mad phun” sounded like my cup of tea, I most CERTAINLY would have been dissuaded by all these emails.

Let’s go into this hypothetical world, shall we? The one where I’m a New York City resident who loves gabber, bowling, and mad phun. Let’s see how I would respond to the situation.

First email: “Yo! ‘Kosmic Bowl!’ That looks like mad phun!”
Second email: “Oh right! That thing. I’m totally going.”
Third email: “Pretzels!”
Seventh email: “Jeez, their computer must be fucked up.”
Tenth email: “This is whack!”
Fifteenth email: “Dude, this is so not PLUR.”

Twentieth email: “Uncle Tony? I have a little job for you in the city…”

So, are there any fiesty New Yorkers out there up for a little challenge? I’m thinking along the lines of someone who will bring a boombox to the bowling alley and crank Beethoven, or perhaps an aggressive in-your-face queen who wants to cover the headlining DJ, Johnny Hardkore! (yes, he has the k and the exclamation point like that), with orange lipstick kiss marks. Wait — that would be too much “phun” for Mr. Hardcore!. He doesn’t deserve the adoration.

I’m open for suggestions.