If I were an Avon Lady, I would sell Burt’s Bees products. ALL BURT’S BEES! I guess that would make me a Burt’s Lady, but that would make me sound like a hooker, so in my imaginary land where I drive a car earned by reaching an upper sales level for my region, I’ll just pretend I’m called a “Bee Girl.”

As Bee Girl, I would first talk about all the Bees products I use: it all started with the chapstick. Everybody loves their chapstick. Then I moved onto the lipstick. Color? “Honesty.” (Honestly, the only thing I don’t like about Burt’s is their hokey color names.) Then the orange essense facial cleanser. Then their Milk & Honey lotion, their blush (in “Clarity” — groan), their eyeshadow, their concealer, their carrot cream.

You might notice a theme here? All of the Bees products sound sort of, well, foody, don’t they? Well, ladies [insert flourish of Bee Girl hand] that’s because every Burt’s Bees product that goes on your skin is also edible. Why, ladies? Well, because Burt’s Bees understand that anything you put on your skin will be absorbed into your body. Do you want to be absorbing weird chemicals and talcs and dyes? Hell no! So, our friends at Burt’s Bees figured that safest way to make sure that what goes on your skin isn’t bad for you is to make sure that you could eat it. Side bonus: if you get some of the Orange Essense facial cleanser in your mouth, it doesn’t taste bad!

Another nice thing about Bees products? All packaging is both recycled and recyclable. Isn’t that great! Pink cocktail anyone?

And how can you not love a company with a story like this! And a company that values conservation projects like this!

And don’t even get me started on how the lipstick tingles when you put it on. Looks like lipstick — feels like chapstick! And “Honesty” looks good on absolutely everyone. Trust me: I’ve forced everyone I know to try it. Honkies, Asians, Latinas, Jews, Redheads, etc etc etc. You have lips, “Honesty” looks good.

Any more questions? Well then — who wants appetizers, ladies?