Daily affirmations of a word mercenary
This saga has been cracking me up all day, and I simply must share. It all started with an email I received this morning:
What is your picture doing on an Adult Rate-Me website, with a link to your entire life, including your resume, which has your address? [Editor's note: my resume does not list my address for exactly this reason. It does, however, list my city and state, which must have confused this emailer.]
You may want to TAKE THAT DOWN ! ! ! !
I like to look and laugh, but some guys like to - I don’t know - STALK ! ! !
And if you did actually intened to post your VITALS , then get some pics of you topless Hula Hooping with that Susannah chick or something. [HA!]
Since you said you are a prude [I did?] - I assume you have an Ex BF playing a joke on you. Time to take a ball-pean to his hammer, hun.
A ball-pean to his hammer! HA! A helpful stranger who’s got a sense of humor, taboot! Thank you, helpful stranger! I’m totally not being facetious.
Anyway, a quick peek into my referral logs revealed that I’d gotten 500 hits in four hours from an adult website. Someone (probably that same troll I’ve dealt with for months) uploaded a photo of me to a site called rrattemmennudde.com [intentionally garbled because a lot of people searching for rrattemmennudde.com were finding my blog].
The real irony? It’s a picture of Susannah and I wearing sweaters. SWEATERS, people. Why that picture? Regardless of the troll’s reasoning, the result is that poor Suz and I are ranking very low, since, well, it’s rrattemmennudde.com, and, well, we’re not nude. (THANK GOD!) We’re wearing sweaters. SWEATERS! Oh, and don’t even get me started on how my favorite position was listed as “69 cunga lingus.” Did someone say conga line? Let’s party!
Luckily for me, the rrrattemmennudde.com page links to arielmeadow.com, not electrolicious.com. I made a quick change to the arielmeadow.com index (HA! I crack me up) [I've reverted back to the normal index again], and sat back and laughed with coworkers over the ridiculousness of the internet. I even linked the word “innocuous” on arielmeadow.com, hoping that if nothing else I could teach a few porn-surfers a new word.
Then came this email:
Why not stop complaining and take off that sweater, take a pic, and show off you ass-ets. Come on baby, I know you have something good under there
I read the email aloud here at work, prompting a chorus of guffaws from my coworkers around the pod. The email is so encouraging! So letchy! So grammatically fucked up! “You ass-ets.” HA! I’ll take that over mean trolls anyday!
Who knew today would be so funny?
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12 Responses to “RATEMEINASWEATER.COM”
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Hey there. I'm Ariel Meadow Stallings, a native Seattleite who's written my way up and down the Left Coast. Electrolicious is where I post daily randomata, but I also write for a living. My first book, Offbeat Bride, was published last year.
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Bill
May 21st, 2003 at 6:18 pm
I for one think the sweater picture is absolutely sexy. Needless to say RMN.com is about nudity but nudity is so overrated. Give me something I need to use my imagination with and I find it infinitely more appealing.
Of course, now that I’ve seen the enticing sweater pose I need more. Not necessarily more as in more skin, but how about more as in more sexy pictures? I checked out some of the pictures here on electrolicious and I am absolutely convinced you have both the potential and the desire to flaunt your sexuallity. So why don’t you have a heart and make my day with some more alluring photos? Please?
sean
May 21st, 2003 at 6:57 pm
Oddly enough, a quick WHOIS search revealed ratemeinasweater.com is still untaken. You might want to think about picking it up, Air; it sounds like a good concept site. Then again, at first glance it may seem confusing: am I supposed to rate you while I’m wearing a sweater, or what?
Ozrael
May 21st, 2003 at 8:42 pm
Well, I get the point.
Ariel
May 21st, 2003 at 10:24 pm
Bill, thanks for the compliment, but I’m a writer, not a model. I write about sex sometimes (check out Regurgatory Erotic Response, Parts I and II), but the Internet isn’t the spot for my expression of sexuality. If you’re looking for photos of a smart sexy chick, I highly recommend Heather Corinna over at Femmerotic.com.
helenjane
May 22nd, 2003 at 10:34 am
i think you’re so cute, people just can’t HELP imagining you nude.
even when you’re wearing a sweater.
leblanc
May 22nd, 2003 at 11:26 am
i personally prefer to look at people in sweaters. nudity is overrated. i think ratemeinasweater.com would be fabulous. i’ll post my pic there for sure.
Matthew
May 22nd, 2003 at 1:35 pm
I would visit RATEMEINGLASSES.COM hourly.
brittney
May 22nd, 2003 at 3:41 pm
Matthew–I gotta know. Does the Queen wear glasses?
andy
May 22nd, 2003 at 4:43 pm
I just like the way you linked to a definition of “innocuous” on arielmeadow.com - I’d say that’ll be 500 more necessary hits today to dictionary.com, too.
Bill
May 22nd, 2003 at 10:31 pm
Ariel, first and foremost, Heather just doesn’t fit the part of the sexy vixen. As for the Regurgatory Erotic Response stories, they were quite entertaining. While my personal experiences were never as severe as those you recount in these stories, I must say that my initial lack of self confidence led to the type of feelings that you describe. Somehow I managed to outgrow this nervousness and fear of inadequacy. Thank goodness, as sex, or more specifically the prelude to sex, is much more enjoyable when you are not dreading regurgitation.
As for your writer verses model comment, I can’t say as the two are mutually exclusive. More importantly, it was not model pictures that led me to your site. If you want total honesty, it was the allure of a beautiful, fully clothed woman, looking for all the world like the type of person that turns into a wild girl once the sweater comes off. Traversing the ether to discover this blog only made that allure grow stronger as I was confronted head on by the realization that this smartly dressed and provocative stranger had a brain that was equally enticing.
Keep up the writing, you are obviously talented (at least in my humble opintion). That said, don’t forget those of us who long for more of your captivating photos.
Ariel
May 22nd, 2003 at 11:10 pm
How does THIS WOMAN not “fit the part of the sexy vixen”? Dear God. If that ain’t definitely of “sexy vixen,” I don’t know what is. VIVA LA HEATHER CORINNA! If she doesn’t do it for you, then Suicide Girls should. But as for me? Let it go, Bill. The more you beg for “captivating photos,” the more creepy it sounds. I’ll post the same kinds of photos here that I always have. If you find them “captivating,” then more power to ya. But don’t tell me about it! Perhaps this is a defining moment in the evolution of Electrolicious: IF YOU JACK OFF TO PHOTOS ON THIS WEBSITE, FOR GODSAKE PLEASE DON’T TELL ME!
…especially if said photo involves a sweater.
Matthew
May 23rd, 2003 at 1:10 pm
Matthew–I gotta know. Does the Queen wear glasses?
Not often enough. She removes them while sleeping, for example.