My trip up to Vancouver was an excellent one. I basically spent 24 hours talkingtalkingtalking and smokingsmokingsmoking with my friend Jolayne. Topics ran the gamut, but one topic we stuck on for an hour or so was giving friends constructive criticism.

The moral of the story is this: it’s really challenging, but it’s something that we both wish people did more often.

From my standpoint, a real friend will tell you when you’re acting stupid, and they’ll find a way to do it constructively. I expect my friends to tell me when I’m acting like a dumb ass, and in return I try to take criticism gracefully. But it’s hard! These are not techniques that are often taught, and it’s not easy to give or receive criticism.

I’m reminded of the time I tried to give a friend constructive criticism, and he responded by accusing me first of being jealous, then of being a hypocrite, and was eventually reduced to insults (”this is really a suprise coming from someone like YOU, Ariel…maybe I could understand this kind of thing come from someone like ANDREAS, but not YOU.”).

I’m reminded of the time when I decided it wasn’t worth going through the trouble to constructively tell a friend why I was having problems with her. Instead, I just stopped calling. That was a big mistake which ultimately made the situation more difficult than if I’d just sat down and say, “You know what? It’s really hard for me to spend time with you right now, let’s take a rest from it.”

I’m reminded of the encounter I had with one friend last fall, where I tried dozens of different ways of saying “Wow, you really did yourself a disservice back there, and how can I help you get to a place where you don’t need to do that?” After an hour, I finally managed to find the right combination of words that spoke to her, and she said. “Oh. Wow, I see.” That made the whole agonizing experience worth it. I’m also reminded of just a couple days ago when I tried to tell a friend he was acting in a way that insulted his own marked intelligence, but the only way I could think of to say it was, “I just need you to know that you’re making a pupu platter of yourself.” Articulation: 0. Point conveyed? Yes.

It’s really really hard to confront friends. But I feel like it’s a very important aspect of friendship, and one that I wish people engaged in more frequently. There’s too much talking behind people’s backs, and not enough courage to tell it to their faces. It’s hard figuring a way to tell someone “You know this unhappiness you keep expressing? You’re causing it! I’m seeing you choose it again and again, and I want to help you either avoid it, or make your peace with the fact that this is a pattern you are choosing to repeat because you get something out of it.” That’s a hard thing to say and something that I wish people said more often.

I’ll be honest: it’s certainly easier to just say, “Jesus, they just need to shit or get off the pot” behind someone’s back. God knows I do that. We all do. The confrontations I’ve had with friends have been difficult in ways I can hardly even explain. But I have to keep reminding myself that it’s worth taking the time to find the right way to tell your friends how you feel, even when it’s not a happy thing.

And it’s certainly VERY hard to accept criticism. The way that I can see it, the best response is just to say, “Thanks. I need to go and think over what you’ve said. I’ll give you a call when I’m ready to talk it over.” If I could only remember to do this more often, I would save myself a lot of agony. Initial responses to criticism will always include defensiveness and anger, and if you can deal with those reactions on your own, and then get back to the critiquer once you’ve had a chance to get get yourself together, you’re in great shape. I wish I could that more often.

Also: it’s a thin line between confronting a friend and meddling. That’s what most often keeps me from sticking my neck out. Who wants to be a busy body? Then again, who wants to stand by and watch a friend drive themselves into the ground?