Daily affirmations of a word mercenary
Dre and I deliberated for ages before we decided to get engaged. Mostly we were weighing the pros and cons of making our relationship legal. Pros include discounted healthcare, taxes, and the ability to have access to one-another in the hospital. Cons of course were heavily focused on the inequity of marriage when it came to our gay family and friends, although there’s also some residual vague paranoia about things changing once we get married.
A crucial deciding factor for me was imagining myself standing in a hospital lobby. Somewhere, Andreas is injured and in pain. I’m stuck in the lobby unable to get in to see him. Is that a moment I want to politicize? Do I want to hollar at the nurse, “Don’t you understand? We didn’t get married because we don’t believe in the way certain privileges are denied to people who are legally unable to marry!” The nurse would roll her eyes, somewhere Andreas would moan in pain, and I would agonized. I think this makes me selfish.
So we hemmed and hawed and finally decided to do it.
And almost simultaneously, the flood gates have opened on the issue of gay marriage in America. Coincidence? Syncronicity? Happy accident?
As I mentioned last week, my aunt and her partner of over a decade got married in San Francisco. Andreas’ mom and her partner voiced their support for the 30 gay couples who applied for (and were sadly denied) marriage licenses in Iowa City.
Dre and my decision was made independent of this shifting of the cultural tide, but it feels fortuitous…like the whole country is opening up and letting all of us celebrate our commitments. It makes me happy.
And it makes me hope that no one will ever have to stand in a hospital lobby begging to see a loved one.
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9 Responses to “Wed Ins”
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Hey there. I'm Ariel Meadow Stallings, a native Seattleite who's written my way up and down the Left Coast. Electrolicious is where I post daily randomata, but I also write for a living. My first book, Offbeat Bride, was published last year.
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Ivy
March 4th, 2004 at 7:55 pm
I just got done losing one of my favorite people on the planet so I am unusually one with hospitals right now. Happily, your scenario wouldn’t be the norm.
I am so conflicted about marriages. 98% of me thinks they are patriarchal bullshit and marriage is just buying into a flawed system and basically making out with the status quo. My ladyfriend sent me this article which sums up a lot of my opinions.
That being said, our next door neighbor (who I might add is not some crazy liberal progressive type trying to make a political point about co-habitation) lost her boyfriend/partner of 15 years to a totally freak car accident. Unfortunately, he never signed his will. Because NY is not a common-law state, she has absolutely no property rights. She is losing her house to her husband’s estranged sister because she never got around to marrying her boyfriend/partner. Gives this anarchist-feminist-whatever something to ponder.
Kim
March 5th, 2004 at 10:52 am
I don’t think that it’s selfish to want to legally protect your rights as a partner, and I think it’s a terrible shame that those rights are currently withheld based on sexual preference. Civil marriage offers legal benefits that are not currently available any other way, and going through the process to secure most (but not all) of those benefits outside of marriage is long, complex, and very expensive.
I think it would be ideal if all the legal protections of marriage were offered as both civil marriage and civil unions, so that all couples (gay or straight), could chose whichever option that’s right for them. That way the folks who have issues with marriage as an institution could opt to go an alternate route without losing the legal benefits and protections.
That said, my partner and I decided to get married after 7 years together. I recognize that marriage as an institution has a lot of baggage and inequality associated with it—but I am also concerned that that will never change if proactive, conscious couples refuse to marry. Institutions can, and do, evolve over time. I want marriage as an institution to become an egalitarian and joyful partnership between people who love each other, and by striving to create that within my own marriage, I hope and believe that my husband and I can help turn marriage as an institution into what we want it to become.
Obviously, this is a personal decision that I made with my partner, and not something that everyone would (or should) chose. But the choice should (and I devoutly hope, will soon be) available for all committed couples to ponder, and decide as they see fit.
leblanc
March 5th, 2004 at 11:24 am
oh god.
this is making me think way too much, esp. considering i’ve been in the ER too many times already with jay, and although he’s never been admitted, he very well could be one day, and so could i.
is it really true that they don’t let anyone in to visit a patient that’s not family? or is it just in certain situations - like in ICU or something. what are the conditions?
Jay
March 5th, 2004 at 12:20 pm
About 15 years ago my sister was in the hospital, including a stint in ICU. Those who weren’t relatives (friends) just said they were aunts, uncles or cousins. The nurses let them in without question. The only rule they stuck to was allowing only 2 people in at a time. When she wasn’t in ICU anyone could visit her. The rules and enforcement may be different at each hospital though.
And as Amy said above, I’ve been in the ER a few times now, and she was able to see me, and I didn’t have to okay it. She just showed up at my bedside.
I do know that if a treatment needs to be approved, then you definitely need to be married.
Jason
March 5th, 2004 at 12:44 pm
I popped in to SF City Hall to watch weddings yesterday. It was, for me, a very moving experience to see these - mostly older - couples who had obviously waited a long time for the opportunity. Recommended for anyone in the Bay Area with a bit of weekday free time!
Ivy
March 5th, 2004 at 12:53 pm
No, you don’t need to be married. You sign a medical proxy form that authorizes whomever to make decisions about your care. If you make the correct legal decisons and have everything covered, you will have the same protection w.o being married.
Nikki
March 6th, 2004 at 10:45 am
Sign a will, get power of attorney, a medical proxy form, whatever. None of it is hard, especially if you are serious about your lifetime commitment to a smae sex partner.
That said, marriage is a lifelong deal between a man and a woman, recognized by the state and God. It’s the best way humans have come up with to raise children, and the gov’t protects it because, like it or not, we are one nation under God. An alternative lifestyle requires alternative ways of doing things.
I can’t remember who said it, (I’m terrible with sources, I should work for the NYT) but I heard a great quote about this. They said that if gay couples wanted to get married, they should, and let them suffer along with the rest of us who can marry.
kim
March 9th, 2004 at 6:44 am
I thought there was a tax penalty for being married (up until this year, when, I believe, it was adjusted)?
Anna
March 9th, 2004 at 9:10 am
I am a huge advocate for the right of same-sex marriage because I chose to get married for practical purposes: health care, taxes, instant residency in a new state, and tuition benefits. I love my husband, but we got married mainly for those reasons - an option that a gay couple does not have. Access to Carl in the hospital was an important issue, but for the same reason it was an issue of personal safety for me: my closest next-of-kin is in Chicago, and if I was injured and incapacitated I needed someone right here who could make decisions for me. The right of same-sex marriage is not just a moral issue, it is a monetary and personal safety issue as well.