For the next week, I’m going to write all about how much I suck. No, no. Not quite like that. Self-Dep Week is all about acknowledging the flaws that make me (and all of us) the people we are: three dimensional, fucked up, and full of shortcomings. The way I see it, the better you know you’re own flaws (and the more open you are about them) the better those around you are able to navigate those foibles. Doesn’t necessarily make the flaws go away, but at least acknowledging them puts it all on the table: I’m a fuck up. So are you. Let’s go get a beer.

Today’s Suckage: Horrid Bossyface
Oh man. Am I ever a bossyface. I’m your worst nightmare when it comes to backseat drivers (”Run that yellow! RUN IT! Ooh, ooh: take a left. Oh wait: next one. This one. Left here.”), and I’ve been known to beg Andreas to put on flip-flops because, well, it’s hot out, and when it’s hot out you shouldn’t wear those shoes and socks.

Being a bossyface can be a boon, of course: I’m an effective (if at times irritating) leader, and I can usually make sure that things get done. My tenure at Lotus Magazine was a great use of this bossyfacedness. I was able to convince 60+ people every two months to do work for me for no money. That takes not only bossyfacing, but also some diplomacy. I’m not just bossy: I’m persuasive, which has worked to my advantage with copywriting. I tell people what to do all day long (subscribe now! call today! read this! do that!) and I get paid for it.

But you don’t want to be on the delegation end of my bossystick! I’m really good at telling everyone what to do, and not always as good at getting it done myself. My speech contains far too many instances of “you should.” You should do this, you should come with me, you should call me, you should read my website, you should you should you should.

An aspect of being a bossyface is also being a control freak. When Dre and I went to France last year, I left a short essay for Heidi about how to feed the rats, give them their medicine, change the Tejasa’s bandages, fill the water bottle, etc. Happy go lucky Ariel had suddenly become eine Fürer, and everybody better fucking get to goose-stepping! RIGHT, LEFT! FEED THE RATS JUST AS I SAY!

Naturally, part of being a bossyface is being a blabberface. But that’s another flaw for another day.

Tomorrow’s Suckage: Babbermouth