Daily affirmations of a word mercenary
A friend recently wrote recently about the phenomena of Seattleites being such weenies. And we are! Seattleites are some of the most politely passive people I know, and we tend to feel attacked by people who are assertive. How sad is that?
Here’s Paul’s story:
At the Italian place, I saw the best possible example of how to deal with street trash. A woman poked her head into the place and began surreptitiously asking people near the door for money. The owner(manager? cook?) saw her and was out from behind the bar and in her face in a matter of like half a second. With no real aggression or anger, he got about two inches away from her and said “Awww HELL naw” just like that three or four times, each time moving a little closer until she was back out the door and half way down the block.
He must not be from Seattle, where people seem to feel guilty for telling someone to get the fuck out.
Paul is so very right. Why are we such gentle, passive push-overs in Seattle? We seem to take someone being up-front as an afront and it’s so irritating. Why are we like this?
Another example: Five years ago, I got on a bus with Andreas and NDS, a family friend of Dre’s who had just moved to Seattle from Chicago. NDS is about 5′ tall, 100 lbs, and has she has blond hair and freckles. Cute and tiny in other words.
The shaggy dude sitting in the bus seat in front of NDS turned around and started rambling at her almost immediately. She simply looked him in the eye and said calmly, but very firmly, “Look: I don’t feel like talking today. Leave me alone.” The poor passive shaggy man was so taken aback that someone actually, you know, told him to fuck off, that he shuffled off the bus at the next stop!
Sadly, most Seattleites (including me) would have been like “Oh, um, what? Uh, ha ha. Uh, huh. Oh. Uh, really? Er, excuse me, sir…” and then shuffled to a different seat. I wish we as a city had some collective balls.
I was asking Andreas for his theories on this passivity, and he figured that it was because Seattleites aren’t especially hardened. Despite what you might think, Seattle is a pretty small town and only within the last 15 years has it become anything even resembling a “world class city,” and so the social climate is still small-town politeness. Oh my golly: no need to be rude, even when someone’s being a total ass.
I’m not suggesting that Seattleites should become rude. Just that we could use some lessons in effective street confrontation.
Hey there. I'm Ariel Meadow Stallings, a native Seattleite who's written my way up and down the Left Coast. Electrolicious is where I post daily randomata, but I also write for a living. My first book, Offbeat Bride, was published last year.
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Corrado1
August 25th, 2004 at 11:28 am
Wow, I didn’t know that Seattleians were that passive. I always thought of Seattle as the “grunge” city since that’s where grunge from.
I wish people from Long Island (where I’m from) could be that way.
Corrado
Ariel
August 25th, 2004 at 11:34 am
Corrado, Seattleites are really good at snubbing people. We can be cold and elitist and ignore you like nobody’s business! But when it comes to actually confronting people, we seem to prefer just ignoring them instead.
xaotica
August 25th, 2004 at 11:46 am
warning: massive overgeneralizations to follow.
people in seattle tend towards depression.
depressed people tend to be less confrontational.
when they don’t confront people when upset, that makes them more depressed.
dori
August 25th, 2004 at 11:52 am
oh god i don’t need to hear stuff like this - i had ‘confrontational problems’ in san francisco! i was in a restaurant, with a scheduled evening planned, and waited 30 minutes for food without even a drink. as it grew nearly time to meet my friends i called the waitress over and (what i thought was) politely told her the situation. she freaked and comped the entire meal, drinks too. my west coast friends were all like “you were really harsh with her” (although in new york, my same tone would have been construed as ‘too nice’ for the situation). this was only the beginning - i spent the next three weeks hearing about how aggressive i was, how i walked too fast, blah blah blah (the concept of ’strolling’ is one that as a new yorker, i do not grasp). i fear i’m going to scare people over there…
Ariel
August 25th, 2004 at 12:06 pm
Yeah, Dori: you probably will.
And that’s ok.
Funny story: When Megan was here for the wedding, she demonstrated the effect NY has had on her. Late Thursday night Dre was trying to convince a (very tired) Megan, Sarahbella and me that one of us should escort him to go pick up the soundsystem. None of us wanted to, but he kept trying to convince us. “I’m sooo tired,” he said. “I could use the company.”
Megan finally reached her threshold: “OH JUST GO DO IT, YA BIG BABY!”
…!
It was hilarious. Not insulting, but definitely not your typical Seattle-passive style.
You’ll get used to it though, Dori. The edges soften after a few months.
megan
August 25th, 2004 at 12:30 pm
oh god. did i really say it like THAT? ouch. sorry andreas.
wait… i mean, yeah, take some of that tough NY attitude now, bitches.
Arielmeow
August 25th, 2004 at 4:11 pm
Good choice of subject!
I think it’s all a balance… I definitely appreciate the chops SF had given this native Seattleite (yes, even SF is hard compared to Seattle!): I find I can stand up for myself when someone is trying to get over on me instead of shuffling away mumbling something about bad karma like I did two years ago.
However, it depresses me immensely to see people treating each other poorly all the time, every day. And I hate having to play into the dominant asshole paradigm to successfully navigate this city. It just makes my whole life a little darker.
I’m moving back to Seattle in 1 week, and plan to keep the skills I’ve learned having to push my way through the Bart system every day. But all in all I can’t WAIT to get back home where people acutally say “no, after you” and “thank you.”
Corrado1
August 25th, 2004 at 5:09 pm
When you go to NY, you develop some elitist attitude or something. I guess because of the atmosphere.
Corrado
Ivy
August 25th, 2004 at 7:31 pm
Corrado: Have you ever been to NYC?
I live in Brooklyn. People in New York City are actually very nice and will go out of their ways to help you. Say what you want about NYC, but you can’t fault the people. Or the fact that it is so incredibly rad.
I have never been “Out West” (even though I have been all over the world). I would think that the “kynd”, mellow hippie vibe out there would make me kind of seasick after awhile.
paisley jane
August 25th, 2004 at 10:21 pm
We can be cold and elitist and ignore you like nobody’s business!
and boy do i dislike that
but we all have our thang .
im from the south so our social skills are a whole ‘nother story ..
chasmyn
August 26th, 2004 at 1:10 am
Interesting. I’ve only lived in Seattle (Redmond, actually - does it even count?) for a couple of months, and I have certainly noticed that people are friendly, laid-back and accepting of whatever happens here.
My example of what I am used to: in St. Louis (where we moved from), to get anything accomplished one has to basicaly make oneself the squaekay wheel, and I have become quite adept over the years.
So when Whole Foods kept running out of our staple of organic lactose-free milk, I left a page-long comment card about how they need to keep things stocked or we weren’t going to shop there, because PCC always has stuff in stock. I got an email from the dairy-odering person apologising so profusely and explaining how they are new, etc and haven’t fully gotten the hang of what needs to be ordered, etc. I actually felt bad after reading it, he was SO super nice about it.
So we went back and they had created another row and actually had it totally stocked. I was greatly impressed.
In St. louis I would have had to write several of those comment cards to even be taken seriously and even talked to the store manager themselves.
There’s just so resistance here. I LOVE it, to be honest. It’s refreshing. It seems like people are just allowed to BE out here.
Jeannie
August 26th, 2004 at 9:50 am
Hi there, long time listener, first time caller. we moved here three-plus years ago from Chicago and both my boyfriend and i have been called out for being “harsh” and for our sarcasm. also for being “too direct”. (what?) it’s still a little weird — back home, neither one of us were considered mean or confrontational or anything — something is going wrong in your personal space, you take care of it and move on — but here, even still, i sometimes feel like an alien. and other transplants from the midwest and east coast have said they’ve felt that too — and some of them have been here for over a decade. it’s an interesting thing. maybe in a generation as more and more people come here from big cities, the assertiveness and directness level of the population as a whole might increase.
allie
August 26th, 2004 at 11:33 am
This topic is fantastic! I’ve lived in both SF and near Manhattan in NJ, so I’ve experienced both scenarios described above. My boyfriend came out to visit me when I lived in SF, and being the Jersey boy that he is, he about freaked out when a homeless guy started getting in our face begging for change outside the Great American Music Hall.
It wasn’t just a “please can I spare some change?”, “no I’m sorry” and the guy left. This was “please can I spare some change?”, “no I’m sorry”, and then “WHAT??? Who do you think you are?” and proceeded to grind Chris repeatedly until finally Chris screamed at him to beat it.
Chris was also blown away at how lax the cops were in SF about dealing with aggressive homeless people.
Its just a different mentality- you’ll never see that in NYC, because Guiliani pushed the homeless out of the city, into shelters and now cops patrol every street on foot. Plus, New Yorkers would never have a tolerance for someone getting in their face for change, its just a different attitude altogether.
I’m with Ivy though- I honestly think people in this area are very friendly overall, they are just tough. I like the direct attitude much better than the passive attitude I was surrounded by in SF for sure…