Daily affirmations of a word mercenary
Assumptions
17Oct2004 Filed under: WeddingNow that Andreas and I are spouses, I’m finding that there are a few common assumptions people make about married couples. Are we that weird that we don’t fit this mold? I didn’t really think so, but perhaps my mind is changing…
1. Do not assume that I’m the one to ask about having a baby.
I know, I know: of course everyone wants to know when there’s a baby coming. Don’t think I don’t think about it all the fucking time. We’re a happy couple of baby-making age and social contract. Here’s the thing though: people only ask me. Never ever Andreas. Hey world: making a baby takes two people. I am not some how in charge of the decision just because I got the fallopian tubes. When I get asked (and trust me, I get asked a lot), my answer is always, “Ask Andreas.” Come on, people! Let’s be gender-egalitarian with the procreative harassment!
2. Do not assume that now that we’re married, we’ll only spend time with each other.
I realize that many people (maybe the majority?) get married and stop hanging out with other people. I do not understand this. I know that it’s instinctual to pair-bond, but jeez: does that mean you can’t hang out with anyone else? That your spouse suddenly has to fill the roles of lover, roommate, confidante, business partner, friend, and everything else? Jesus, the pressure. I’m so glad that Andreas and I have friends who we hang out with separately. Why would I want to be there while he’s playing foosball until 6am? BORING. Why would he want to be there while I’m smoking and gossiping with My Gay Boyfriend? Ack, TEDIOUS. We do not function as a unit. We’re two people in a relationship, not one person with two heads. That said, we have been mocked for always setting our mats up side-by-side at yoga.
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7 Responses to “Assumptions”
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Hey there. I'm Ariel Meadow Stallings, a native Seattleite who's written my way up and down the Left Coast. Electrolicious is where I post daily randomata, but I also write for a living. My first book, Offbeat Bride, was published last year.
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yara
October 17th, 2004 at 4:00 pm
what’s kind of funny about the first one though is that it’s like hearkening back to the days when the men decided if/when the family as a unit was having babies/buying a house/going on vacation/etc. people seem to have swung way the other direction. i agree with you entirely–the questions seem to always land on my lap. maybe a 50-50 split…
patchoulli
October 17th, 2004 at 5:30 pm
RE: #2….yesh… yeah I feel exactly the same way!!
meesha
October 18th, 2004 at 10:39 am
I have a similar problem with the “When are you getting married?” question. And though my BF of seven years and I have decided that we are going to get married, I’ve been putting off announcing the engagement because I just can’t face the onslaught of new questions: “Have you set a date? Where’s the wedding? Where’s the honeymoon? When will you have a baby?”
Does the badgering never stop?
Broch
October 18th, 2004 at 12:46 pm
Regarding this post, and maybe I am missing something. What was the reason that the two of you decided to get married in the first place?? Marriage is a very traditional and hyper-conservative institution that has pre-defined guidelines that define you as two people functioning as a one unit, socially, as well as legally. When you announced the engangement, I was completely surprised. While current litigation may suggest otherwise, the roots of marriage were based on religious premise, with nothing civil having a mark on the relationship. Why don’t we as a society create a new and different sort of union/ceremony that more accurately reflects the mores of today, and would also include same sex couples. Please don’t take this as a criticism or any form of putdown, because that is not the way that it was meant. I just support a new and different type of union that couples could enter into, where the outdated stigmas of “Marriage” could be abolished.
Ariel
October 18th, 2004 at 12:54 pm
We got married for a few reasons, most of which were financial. Insurance is cheaper. It’ll make a big difference in our taxes. We also wanted presents, but really, it was a financial decision, as well as an excuse to have a big party.
I guess we’re going for the “instigate change from the inside” theory of activism.
Owen
October 18th, 2004 at 3:25 pm
_I_ have harassed Andreas about getting on the baby-train pronto, thank you very much.
Broch: I laugh uproariously at your intimation that marriage is a faith-based institution before it is/was a property institution. Marriage of one form or another is _very_ old, much older than any particular faith, perhaps older even than organized religion as we know it. Many faiths, one property-holding tradition. When one thing is constant and another transient, that says something about primacy.
It’s fundamentaly all about the benjamins (or the cattle or landholdings), dudeski. Religious trappings are mostly a justification/stamp of cultural legitimacy upon the institution.
paisley jane
October 18th, 2004 at 7:48 pm
RE: #1 - we get the same think or I get the same thing rather .. 7 years married ,no baby!!
the scandal of it all!
totally unrelated : you need this lamp! .. it screamed your name to me
perhaps a different shade ..