Darlings, let’s talk fashion.

First, I’ll admit my biases: my concepts of fashion are based around function and freakishness. I lean towards articles of clothing that are bizarre and supremely utilitarian. My sensibilities are very Left Coast with bits of hippy and raver mixed in, and of course focused around layers. As a Seattleite (or Portlander, as Dori can probably attest), it is a civil requirement to be wearing at least four layers at any given time. Ideally, all layers are visible.

So, in the spirit of this tiny little world of fashion inhabited by retired ravers, city hippies, Burners, and mostly just me, here’s my fashion forecast:

On the way out (much to my chagrin):
• Leg warmers
Oh, this breaks my heart. I’ve loved big hair fuzzy legwarmers since Halloween 1999, and I helped make ends meet last year selling my beloved Warmies. But last year I started realizing that big hairy legwarmers had become uniforms at Burning Man, and this fall Warmie-type legwarmers have started appearing at Abercrombie and that means it’s probably time for me to just eat shit and start wearing pants when it gets cold.

• Enormous Hair Extensions
Again, this one makes me sad. Big huge colorful hair extensions used to be the most effective way to make a quick splash. But let’s be honest here: they’re expensive as hell to maintain, make you easy to pigeonhole when you’re on the street, and I have to admit are a little too “Look at me look at me look at me” for my tastes these days. Yes, we all want to be admired, but when you make it as overt as 40 pounds of rainbow-colored plastic hair attached to your scalp, it starts to feel a little desperate. Sadly, I think I include “fashion dreads” in this category as well. If you’re really into the lifestyle of dreadlocks, right on. But as a fashion accessory, I think their time is done. (This isn’t to say that I don’t still consider redreading my hair — I’m nothing if not nostalgic.)

• Hats & Hoods With Ears
It was really cute for a while. But there starts to be this thin line between cute and cloying, and I think that ears may be starting to slip over the line. Again: I mourn.

• Apron-backed Shirts
Another old fave. Still works for my hippy mamas and/or in rural settings, but as urban fashion the look is coming to a close, methinks.

On the way in
• Aprons
I must give credit where it’s due: Vera was the first person I know to get into aprons, and it’s a wonderful trend. Aprons make for cute, pragmatic (extra pockets!) accessories, and hearken to the skirt-over-pants look, but with your ass getting primetime exposure. Sadly, I don’t think the look works super well for those of us with fuller hips and booties (made me look like a doublewide), but I really like the concept. Related: saddle bags. Again: they don’t look so hot if you’ve got hips, but on the skinny girls, they’re pragmatic and stylish as hell.

• Pointed hoods
I’m totally in love with long pointy hoods. It all started with the red elf coat I bought in Paris last year. Then the green vesty hoody thing I borrowed for the wedding. While on my honeymoon I bought two more pointy-hooded articles of clothing. I’m having Chaya make me a winter coat with a pointed hood. I love the look. Big bonus: you can use the hood as a storage space. No seriously! Long pointy hoods are perfect for storing lighters and other things you find on the street.

• Peaked waists on tops
Shirts that have a point in the front and back of the waistline look sassy as hell. Bonus points for really long points that become almost tail-like in back. Perhaps this compensates for the loss of earred hats? Keep a little animal friskiness in your clothes, but on your ass instead of your head. (I’m reminded of a friend named Eros.Ion who used to pin tails on all his pants. It was cute.)

• Reconstructed Clothing
Vintage: over. Reconstructed Clothing takes it to the next level new pieces of apparel make from old bits of clothing. For just one of many many examples, check Superlucky Cat. More info, check Tribe.net’s Reconstructed Clothing tribe.

Things that are probably over but I refuse to let go of
• Skirt or dress over pants
No matter how tired the look may be, it’s forever entrenched in my style. I’ll probably still be wearing shit over my pants until it becomes retro sometime in the 2020s.

• Sparkly makeup
What does it mean that half my makeup is from the kids section of Target? It means that you can take the girl out of the rave, but you can never ever take the rave out of the girl who’s now nearing 30 and should probably know better but doesn’t.

…And as for mens fashion? Goatees out, light beards coming in; cargo pants out, cords coming back. Asymmetrical zippers still holding on, but probably only for another year.