Am I tempting fate by posting these? Maybe. But I checked with coworkers and everyone seems to think it’s fine. This week, my snarky movie blurbs were left remarkably scandalous!

Pirates of the Caribbean 2
We’re guessing the casting director took a one look at Salma Hayek’s amazing, erm, “performance” in After the Sunset and decided right then and there that her boobs, er, “acting skills” were needed for the next Pirates. Salma, what happened? Frida was such a smart turn, and now you’re back to the jiggling sexpot routine?

Untitled Usher Project
Memo to James White (screenwriter from Ray who’s penning this project, too): do everything you can to avoid the seemingly-inevitable “dance off” plot climax. We recommend going for the 8 Mile formula instead, complete with that dirty Brittany Murphy sex scenememorably intimate factory scene between Brittany Murphy and Eminem. Now that’s a triumph over adversity! [This edit is a brilliant improvement on my original text. More descriptive, just as dirty, but doesn't say the word sex.]

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Screenwriter Steve Kloves was traded out for Michael Goldenberg, who wrote last year’s Peter Pan. We heard all about the chemistry between Peter Pan and Wendy Darling in that movie, and we’re wondering if, with Goldenberg behind the keyboard, Ron and Hermione will finally just DO IT get together already. Sure, it’s not in the book — creative license, people!