I don’t really have a witty way to encapsulate our New York trip, so I’m defaulting to a list.

1. We slept for the entire red eye flight from Seattle to NYC. This was thanks to Valium, which I do believe should be passed out on airplanes with headphones and ginger ale. Sedatives are an imperative travel aid, much more so than toothpaste. Especially on the red eyes flights. I was asleep before take-off, and that’s awesome.

2. Saturday was one of the busier days I’ve had in a while. We arrived at 8am, caught a cab to Megan’s house in Brooklyn, and drank tea with her until we sort of fully woke up. Then it was off to brunch before a short walk around Fort Greene park, and catching the subway into Manhattan. We met Terra at her house, then headed up to Central Park to see The Gates. It was during that trip that I had my aforementioned urine situation. We walked around the park for a few hours, then got cookies! Then got beer! Then got onion rings! Then went to dinner with Terra and Kevin and Scott and Sarah (up from DC). Then it was off to Kevin’s house for more drinking and smoking and gossiping until 2am. So basically, between 8am Friday and 2am Sunday, I worked, packed, slept for 4 hours, flew across the country, walked all over the city, and talked non-stop.

3. I love how gossiping New Yorkers will actually glance over their shoulders before saying something bitchy. At first I thought it was just for effect, but I guess you really can’t ever know who’s going to be standing behind you, even on an island as large as Manhattan.

4. In the battle of New York vegan/raw restaurants, the unfortunately-named Caravan of Dreams (”Come! Board my caravan! We are on an express trip to dream land! Who wants to eat living foods?”) wins over Quintessence. Company was excellent at both restaurants.

5. I babbled about my book almost non-stop to anyone who would listen. Seriously: it’s like I turned half my friends into literary therapists. Do all writers do this? Is this why we get reputation as crazy, unstable kooks? Do you want to hold my banana doll while I go dance naked in the street? Oh, and as for the book, it was re-reading this essay of mine that finally helped me put all the pieces together effectively and make a decision about what the fuck I was doing. Honestly: did it really need to be that hard? Evidently.

6. Andreas liked New York. I knew he would, but he seemed surprised, probably because he listens to me bitch about it so much. My relationship with New York in a nutshell: If I lived in New York, I would be more successful than I am now. However, the sacrifices I would have to make to live there (financially, emotionally, etc.) do not make it worth it. Therefore, I resent New York for being an impossibly high-maintenance career cock-tease. That said: I’m very happy to visit and do business there. And I sure do love the people who are willing to make the sacrifices to hang out with that needy bitch, Manhattan. This metaphor is officially tired out. I’m moving on now.

7. Avenue Q was the best musical ever. I mean, seriously: it’s like God itself reached into my brain and pulled out all the things that entertain me the most (muppets, coarse humor, pop cultural references, and happy songs) and turned it into a Tony-winning play. SO AWESOME! Any musical that includes songs like “It Sucks To Be Me,” “The Internet Is For Porn” and “I’m Not Wearing Underwear Today” is totally right up my alley. Highly recommended.

8. The Gates were cool, but I’m not the only one to notice that the supposed “saffron” color is actually more like “construction orange.” That color of orange says “hazard!” to me. It says, “Something’s happening here!” Then I started wondering if that was the whole point, and that thought made me feel all arty and post-modern and ridiculous. More importantly, I got a swatch of the orange fabric. People are already selling them on eBay.

9. The only shopping I did was for two babies, and then H&M for myself. Ah, H&M. The IKEA of clothing stores. How I adore it!

10. I watched some weird TV on the way home, thanks to jetBlue’s satellite television service (SO AWESOME!). I watched a breast augmentation. I watched Three’s Company. I saw an advertisement for a drug used to treat people suffering from “the frequent, urgent need to urinate,” and the ad jingle went like this: “I don’t have to go … right now!” There is some weird shit on TV, people. Oh but I don’t need to tell you this: most of you have TVs and know already.

Oh, and you say you want pictures? Here you go. Not included in this series is the terrifying photo Megan took of me in which I’m holding two Starbucks cups and looking like the biggest yuppie tourist ever.