My current conversational pet peeve is the way people throw around the word “literally,” using it when they mean “figuratively.”

For example: “I was so thirsty that I drank literally five gallons of water.” No, actually you didn’t. You drank perhaps 10 or 12 ounces all at once, or maybe even a whopping 32. But you did not drink a gallon, let alone five. You figuratively drank five gallons.

I’ve mentioned before that the art of exaggeration is a delicate one, and that sometimes actually being literal can bolster a good yarn. If you say, “Then there was a awkward silence — honestly, it was probably about 5 seconds long. But 5 seconds of dead silence after you’ve accidentally spilled the beans about your gender reassignment surgery is really awkward.”

Wouldn’t it be cool if people just said “figuratively” instead of “literally”? Like, “I was so fucking tired, I was figuratively asleep before my head hit the pillow! I was so sick of his whining that I figuratively vomited! The song was so catchy that I was figuratively singing it 500 times a day!”

Or: Today while awaiting a video conference call thing at work, one of my coworkers (the only fellow girl in this sea of what one (male) coworker has called “a white dickfest”)* complimented my stegosaurus sweatshirt. I said thank you, and glanced down to see that my sweatshirt was filthy, covered with speckles of toothpaste, dog hair, pink towel fuzz, and god knows what else. I figuratively gasped and ran from the room.

*When trying to remember my coworker’s exact quote, I searched my message history of conversations with him for the word “dick.” The results were supremely entertaining.**

**The meaningless dick reference is from an interview the coworker did with The Great Kat.