Those of you who had been waiting with bated breath will be pleased to hear that I AM NOT BLIND! My Lasik was a raging success, and the doctor even complimented me repeatedly on my calmness and ability to stay totally deathly still as a small mechanized scalpel cut a flap in my eyeball and then a laser burned my flesh! (Dude, worst part? I could totally smell it. It was like catching a whiff of a barbecue, except for it was my cornea on the grill!)

I told my doctor that my state of exceptional still calmness was thanks to my coworker Nick, who had advised me to go into “the yoga zone” during surgery, but it also may have been thanks to the valium they gave me and the squishy stuffed fish they insisted I hold onto during surgery (uh…wtf??). Anyway: IT WORKED! I slept for 12 hours and now … I CAN SEE!

For those of you fretting over the green glasses (raise your hand if you’ve been losing sleep!), I’m going to go get them fitted with clear lenses today so that I can continue to use them as a smart person prop and color-coordinated accessory when needed. My friend Patrick has informed me that this makes me a traitor — a four-eye poseur. This may be true.