Last night I rallied to go to a Decibel Festival show, and totally regretted the rally. The first band was awesome, and the between-set music was awesome (soul in seattle?! MIRACLE), but then the headliner came on and embodied everything I can’t stand about techno: fancy technique, but totally undanceable for me.

And worse? THE CLOTHES. Since I couldn’t dance, all I could do was stand back and people-watch, and people, watch my lips: I was mortified.

This ’80s fashion thing has got to stop. Am I the only person who likes fashion to be something I haven’t seen before? My brain was aboggle at Shambhala because people had invented these crazy outfits out of articles of clothing I could barely identify. Is that shrug or just dismembered sleeves or a hat with gloves attached? I’m not really sure, but I appreciate the creativity even if the particulars don’t always work. (Which, with fashion, they simply don’t.) But the ’80s retro trend combines the WORST fashion from the era with a total lack of creativity. It’s so painfully boring and ugly! I’m sorry darlings, but last night’s monstrosities included:

1. Cowl-necked sweater-dress with skinny belt
2. Many pairs of skinny jeans tucked into scrunchy short boots
3. Side ponytails
4. Bedazzled/sequined off-the-shoulder sweater
5. More inch-wide stripes on tube tops than I cared to count
6. Crushed black velvet shorts over black tights with white sandals

At least the last person was just totally wacky — but it smacked of “Look at how ugly I can dress and still carry it off!” Except for that I don’t think anyone can carry-off white sandals over black tights. Dude. Seriously. I had a moment of being totally embarrassed for Seattle’s hipsters. You guys, really. You’re making us all look bad.

And worst? These are beautiful people! Young hot hipsters wearing the most AWFUL clothing. Gorgeous women wearing side ponytails and skinny jeans. It kills me. I wonder if this is how 31-year-olds felt when I was running around in JNCOs and oversized hoodies ten years ago. All that youth, hidden in voluminous acres of phat pant denim! But at least phat pants and raver e-tarded fashion was something new. It was ugly, but a fresh kind of ugly.