Last night at the Salon of Shame, I read a diary entry from exactly 16 years ago. I figured I’d share it here, in honor of my 32nd birthday, and in honor of my beloved friends and family who always manage to surprise me with the depths of their love.

Thursday May 16, 1991
I can’t believe that I’m sitting here, on my 16th birthday sobbing. But I am. I keep trying to blame myself or justify it. But I can’t. It was just a bad day. I spent most of it alone or feeling isolated. I went job hunting (flop) and was gone and busy from 6:50am until 9:30pm. Ug.

All I got all day was ugly flowers, lame cards, and lots of Happy Birthdays. And I appreciated them. I was happy until this evening when it came to a climax of having no time to eat my Birthday dinner and then having to deal with fuck-offs during play rehearsal.

My parents were wonderful and supportive as always … and I feel bad that I was so superficial. OH GOD. Now I just feel worse. How awful. I’m sitting here, bawling, on my BIRTHDAY. I’m also sick.

Scuze me, I’m going to go cry now.

…No! I should finish. I’ve never been kissed. I’ve never even had a boyfriend. I’ve been kissed on stage. Or hugged by my really sweet nice girl friends. But something is missing here.

People treat me like shit. It seems like no one respects me or likes me.

I have no income. My parents love me too much. I’m a slacker. I’m self-centered. I’m superficial and materialistic. I’m selfish. I wallow. No-one likes me. I don’t appreciate the few who do. I’m lazy, I’m out of shape, I have no motivation. I lose everything. I hate people. I’m ugly. I’m unlikable. I don’t love myself enough. I don’t write enough. I crash cars. I blame others. I blame myself too much. I’m too critical. I spent my birthdays crying. I sound stupid. Freshmen don’t even respect me.

I don’t think I have any future. I make big selfish mistakes. People don’t care about me. I don’t care about others. I abuse my friends. I’m attention starved. I’m stupid.

God, why do I feel like this. I’m not Christian. I’m going to stop crying now.

I’m insecure.

Oh, what’s happened to me?

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! I DON’T DESERVE TO BE MISERABLE!

-Ariel
larger or smaller than life.

May 17, 1991
YAY! My birthday turned out to be wonderful after all! Katherine and Mom and Susannah and everyone had planned this HUGE party for me! A big surprise! It was totally fun!

Who was there: Katherine, Susannah, Heidi, Kendra, Laura A, Laura E, Jeremy S, Miriam, Danny, Korum, Mary U, Tami, Dionne, Amy S., Alyssa, Kenzie, Johanna, Plus my mom + Ahna. And I guess that’s all.

It was fun and as you can tell my yesterday’s entry, a TOTAL SURPRIZE!! We had a good time, playing suck/blow card pass and other yee-haw fun things.

Love Always,
(I’m very happy)
Ariel