It used to be that I only had one toggle switch for how I felt about people: I either liked them, or I didn’t like them. Sure, there was a gradation of like (from obsessively adoring all the way to Arch Nemesis), but it was pretty much a single scale. I categorized people on the scale and went about my business with them accordingly. It was pretty simple.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that it’s infinitely more complex of course, with a lot of contextual factors thrown in. Stuff like “Oh, I like them — except when they’re really wasted.” Or “I don’t like them at work, but I love ‘em once we’re out of the building.” Or “They’re awesome when they’re single, but get sorta psycho in relationships.” Or even the very simple “I like them — but not right now.”

But there’s also this concept of liking someone vs. respecting them. Used to be, if I didn’t like someone, I couldn’t respect them. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that there are an endless stream of colleagues and cohorts and peers and associates who I may have almost nothing in common with, but who I respect deeply. Sometimes I find myself in the odd predicament of realizing “Huh, I actually don’t like this person — but I really admire what they do, and just because I can’t see myself being buddy-buddy with them doesn’t mean that I don’t still have profound respect for them.”

It’s been an interesting facet of relationships to understand — that sometimes you can respect someone’s work, values, ethics, choices, etc, but not see yourself wanting a slumber party with them. Alternately, just because I don’t like someone on a personal level (Bah! Too uptight, too conservative, too elitist, too flighty, too hipsterish, etc. x a bazillion for all the various lame judgmental thoughts in my head) that they still have value and I treat them well accordingly. (Because yes, I’m notorious for treating people poorly when I’ve decided I don’t like them. Let’s just say I’m not a “pleaser” in that way and pretend it’s not a major personality defect.)

I’m undecided about how I feel about the inverse combination — people I like but don’t respect.