Daily affirmations of a word mercenary
Since moving back to the Hill, I’ve been reminded of how bad we Seattleites are with our walking/eye contact practice. The standard Seattle response when approaching someone walking down the street is to politely avert one’s eyes. Look down, look up, look over — whatever. Don’t actually stare! It’s rude.
This trend is so prevalent that my boss (who, like me, has lived most of his life in the Seattle area) told me about a trip to NYC where he was stunned because all the women on the street actually looked him in the eye. He explained that he thought they were all hitting on him until he realized it was just a cultural difference between the two cities.
I’ve been trying to get better about looking people in the eye as I walk past them, but it’s strange: if you actually manage to make eye contact, the usual response is this an oddly tight, terse, closed-lipped little smile. One of those smiles that almost turns down at the edges; a bit of a grimace. I do it, too! It’s sort of an “Alrighty, then.” You know The Nod? It’s like the smile equivalent of The Nod. An efficient, quick little acknowledgment.
It’s not like I’m on a one-woman mission suggesting we all start toothily grinning at everyone on the street, noodling our arms in the air and hollering “HI THERE, NEIGHBOR!” while we try to touch each other all over and kiss both cheeks and lick an earlobe. (Please, only my close friends get the arm noodles and earlobe routine!) But a little progress would be great — maybe I’ll try adding “Good morning” to my repertoire.
Hey there. I'm Ariel Meadow Stallings, a native Seattleite who's written my way up and down the Left Coast. Electrolicious is where I post daily randomata, but I also write for a living. My first book, Offbeat Bride, was published last year.
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DA
October 17th, 2007 at 10:05 pm
A very interesting observation and point–one I’m working with also. An insight into what to do or say at the point someone’s eyes do connect comes from my Iranian friend, Ali, who owns the Cherry Street Coffee House. He says that of all the names there are for God, “Good Morning” is surely one of them.
DA
Laura
October 17th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
As a native east-coasty, the lack of eye contact and “good mornings” was what drove me crazy about living in Seattle … and what eventually drove me back to the East Coast. Good mornings are the best part of the day and I just cannot understand why anyone would ever want to miss out on that. I’m happy to hear that you are going to give it a try! It’s wonderful.
Lu
October 17th, 2007 at 11:06 pm
It´s definitely worth a try, and after a while, as you see the same faces, they might even be the ones to say good morning first.
What really gets me are elevators. Where I come from, when people (who don’t know each other) happen to be in the same elevator there’s always an exchange such as ‘Good morning / hello’ ‘What floor are you going to?’ (answer and whoever is clostest hits that floor’s button) ‘Thanks’. And a goodbye when getting off. Here: absolutely nothing, just looking at the floor.
Eric's Mommy
October 18th, 2007 at 4:39 am
I’m from the east coast but I personally don’t like to make eye contact. It’s kind of weird, you feel like you are obligated to say hi to the person and if they don’t say hi back then I feel like an ass! Plus I used to have bad eyesight (before I had laser surgery) and couldn’t reconize people until they were pretty close, so somebody would say hi to me and I wouldn’t realize who it was until I had already passed them! so I think that is part of the reason why I still don’t make eye contact. I am getting better though.
Gwendolyn
October 18th, 2007 at 6:13 am
I grew up in Virginia and everyone around Richmond made eye contact, smiled, said hi, held open doors for others. They were generally polite.
Then I moved to Boston last year and after walking around the city each day, I wondered what was wrong with me. Why wouldn’t people look at me? And if they did dare to do so, why did they give me such horrible looks?!?!?!
Even when out hiking outside the city, people we run into act as if we’re going to mug them when we’re only smiling and saying hello.
hah!
heather
October 18th, 2007 at 8:15 am
as a native east coaster, i would say that this also varies GREATLY with the south v. north. i’m from the south, and the amount of greeting you get is TOTALLY DIFFERENT! southern people really are friendly
Ariel
October 18th, 2007 at 8:18 am
Yeah, I definitely would never generalize by East Coast/West Coast on this one. This is city/region-specific behavior. San Francisco and LA have totally different eye contact/walking habits than Seattle and Portland.
tlc
October 18th, 2007 at 8:19 am
I don’t see lots of people making eye contact in NYC. I do like to look around at people, tho, one of the best parts of this city.
Natalie
October 18th, 2007 at 8:48 am
For me, eye contact or no eye contact varies even between different areas of the city I live in. I’m from a small city in Texas (around 200,000 people), and if I’m just walking around town, people are normally friendly–smiling, holding doors, saying hello.
But if I’m walking on my college campus in the same city, all I see are people walking with their heads down, staring at their shuffling feet. Our college has uneven brick sidewalks, and it’s common to see people trip and fall. So, I try to just make myself think that people are watching their feet because they don’t want to trip, instead of watching their feet because they are too busy or distracted or rude to make eye contact.
Andreas
October 18th, 2007 at 9:59 am
I became really aware of this after coming back from a year living in Germany, where people seem to hold eye contact much longer than here. I couldn’t figure out why I was getting this strange vibe like people were feeling slightly uncomfortable around me. Then I realized that I had simply picked up the habit of longer eye-contact. The minute I became aware of that, those uncomfortable vibes completely disappeared.
Lisa Marie
October 18th, 2007 at 11:25 am
People in Chicago are so friendly to strangers,. We lived there for a year and upon moving back to San Francisco I was on a mission to smile and say hello to everyone I passed on the street. But then I got battered down by NO ONE responding to me, or looking at me like I was crazy, that I have since stopped. We’re all just humans on this planet together! Can’t we make it pleasant?
JenInSeattle
October 18th, 2007 at 11:36 pm
Believe it or not, I’ve thought a lot about this issue today. I think that this no-eye-contact issue is directly related to the ‘Seattle freeze’ phenomenon. When I go to the park/library/museum/whatever with my kids, I can totally tell which moms are Seattle natives and which are transplants. In fact, the majority of the friends I’ve made are transplants…and I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that they will make eye contact, say hello, and engage in conversation. Maybe I’m completely off base, but, truth be told, I think I’m on to something.
Kirsten
October 19th, 2007 at 5:22 am
And I thought this was an East Coast thing! (Boston, at least). What gets me is walking through the woods and passing someone who doesn’t acknowledge me. We may be the only humans around for miles, but it’s as if we’re passing in Times Square.
Ariel v.
October 19th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
Ariel - I’m joining you. I’m on a general move toward NOTICING my surroundings more, and that includes people. We are kind of amazing, all navigating this world. I want to just momentarily notice that others are doing that too. Andreas - I’ve always liked it about you that you hold eye contact a bit longer. Makes me feel like you’re actually listening to me!
kim
October 22nd, 2007 at 1:18 pm
i’m really not saddened by people not saying hi to me as i pass. maybe i’ve just been living in seattle too long. that said, it’s never unenjoyable when it happens. i usually do a small smile myself…
teri
October 22nd, 2007 at 2:13 pm
The eye contact is standard in MN to. Whats weird is that I get people from out of state complaining about how fake everyone here is…based laregly on that eye contact and “hello” responce! Seems like out-of-town transplants feel like its too familiar of people to make eye contact and say hi… like its a faux emotion and not a basic greeting.
I like it because it can help build a sence of community. I live in a diverse neighborhood, but it seems like different groups hardly talk to each other! I make it a point to make eye contact and say hi to everyone I see…sometimes it sparks that tiny little conversation that tells people “its ok, we seem different, but we’re all on the same page. this is neighborhood is ours”. People around here realy seem to appreciate it.
SolShine7
October 28th, 2007 at 7:04 am
I know the feeling. People in Boston get taken off-guard when you make friendly eye-contact.
Good post!