Why lie
16Dec2007 Filed under: JournalishWhen I’m out dancing, I usually wear a hat and keep the brim low. I avoid eye contact for the most part.
Last night, I made the mistake of looking up.
An acquaintance approached me.
“I feel like my break up with [girl] has come between us,” he shouted over the music. “Is that why we’re not friends?”
I looked at him. “No,” I said, shaking my head.
“It doesn’t have anything to do with [girl]?” he shouted.
I shook my head again. I’m not that close with [girl], either.
He tried again. “So, we’re not friends because you just don’t like me?”
Why lie?, I thought to myself.
“Pretty much,” I shrugged, trying to make it clear that it wasn’t a big deal. “You can’t like everyone. I don’t dislike you.” He nodded and seemed to get it. Or maybe just wanted out of the conversation he’d started.
See, I just don’t like spending time with everyone I meet, and I expect the same in return. I’m not going to click with everyone, and not everyone is going to click with me. And I’m not into wasting people’s time with social graces and fake smiles at clubs. If someone approaches me and asks point blank if I like them, they deserve an honest answer, don’t they?
This coldness, this social particularity isn’t something I’m especially proud of, but I’ve come to accept it, and accept the accompanying negative results. Maybe it’s because I’m an only child — I’d rather be by myself than socialize with people who I don’t click with. Maybe it’s because I’ve grown cynical and distrusting — sometimes I can’t help but wonder what someone wants from me, why they’re making such a fuss. Or maybe it’s just because I’m a bitch.
Probably the latter. I’m not proud of it, not making excuses for it, but also not apologizing for it.
- Tags: bitchy, friends, social graces
One Response to “Why lie”
Hey there. I'm Ariel Meadow Stallings, a native Seattleite who's written my way up and down the Left Coast. Electrolicious is where I post daily randomata, but I also write for a living. My first book, Offbeat Bride, was published last year.
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Ariel
December 18th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
I’d closed comments to this post because I pretty much wasn’t interested in whether people thought I was being a bitch or being honest. But I received an email from the fellow in question, and it deserves sharing:
———- Forwarded message ———-
From: [Name]
Date: Dec 18, 2007 1:30 PM
Subject: I appreciated your honesty
In fact, it was probably the first thing I REALLY appreciated about you. Not to say that I don’t think you’re great, or that I can’t see why other people like you. But I’ve never actually liked you either. Also, not disliked you but never enjoyed being around you.
The conversation was an attempt for me to clarify our relationship, because I *usually* like people and they *usually* like me. So this has been an anomaly that I needed clarification on. So if I “wanted” anything from you it was your help in understanding this.
From my perspective the exchange went like this:
ME: “I feel like we’re not friends because of [name]. Is that true?”
YOU: “No, I just can’t like everyone.”
ME: “Ah, that makes sense.”
That really clicked for me. I felt the same way, but had always held the belief that I COULD (or SHOULD) like everyone. So at that moment I realized you were right and appreciated your honesty because it helped me to understand myself a little better, as well as clarifying our relationship (or in this case) lack thereof.
I was a little (or a lot) drunk so I added “Cool, so the reason we don’t hang out is because you don’t like me?” Not because I cared but because I thought it was funny.
You then continued to explain “I don’t DIS-like you. I’m not like, oh there’s [name] - arg! I just don’t have time to hang out with everyone. I’m not close with [girl's name] either.”
ME: “Cool. That makes sense. Thanks for explaining. Take care.”
I actually felt really good about the whole thing. Both because of the clarity with which you expressed the sentiment, as this helped me become more clear and because it validated feelings that I already held. So don’t feel bad about it - I certainly don’t. In fact, thank you for being honest with me. I hope you appreciate my honesty in return!
I would have posted this as a comment but it wasn’t an available option. Maybe you want to do that maybe you don’t. But in the vein of “why lie?” you might consider “why not commit to full and accurate disclosure?” I realize that your recounting of the event was probably accurate from your point of view given your own projections of my intentions and emotional response to what you thought was probably a blow to me. But now that I’ve had a chance to clarify *for you* my side of the exchange you can decide what to do with this information…
Either way, I wish you the best and look forward to running into you in some social situation where we can wink from across the room and know that we just don’t like each other . . . and that it’s totally cool.
Sincerely,
[Name]