Around Dre’s and my 10 year anniversary a few months ago, I jokingly mentioned that I would write up our top five relationship tips. I never did, and someone just emailed to remind me. Oh yeah.

Ok, so obviously we’re just lucky and stupid and I honestly have no idea how a couple of etards who made out at a New Years rave ended up happily married 10 years later. But here are our theories on how we’ve made it work so far:

Speak the same emotional language
I think this is the biggest. Dre’s and my backgrounds are similar enough that when it comes to talking about feelings, we use the same words and the same communication techniques. My first boyfriend liked yelling to communicate anger, while I was/am a talker, processor and discusser. When we had a disagreement, he would yell while I tried talking and ultimately he just got frustrated and I ended up crying and nothing got resolved.

When Dre and I disagree, we use a common language to express sadness, anger, disappointment, and fear. We use the same techniques (lots of left-coast therapy speak) to express ourselves and resolve disagreements. Our language isn’t any more effective than any one else’s — my “I statements” were useless with my ex-boyfriend because he didn’t understand WTF I was jabbering about — but it’s important that it’s the same language. Maybe you’re both yellers. Maybe you’re both criers. Maybe you’re both fans of the dance-off. Doesn’t matter — you just need to understand each other.

Write your own rules
Who says spouses have to live together? Who says she should cook and he should work? Who says you should always go out together? Who says you always have to spend the holidays together? Who says you shouldn’t encourage people to ogle your spouse? Who says the same person always has to do the same chores? While questioning cultural assumptions about relationships and figuring out what actually works for you and your partner isn’t easy, the pay-offs are massive and totally worth it. It’s awesome to figure out what you want out of your relationship — not what society expects you to want.

Lovingly call your partner on their weird bullshit
When Dre and I first started dating, I had some bad habits I’d learned in my previous, completely dysfunctional relationships. Really awesome mature stuff like sulking and giving the silent treatment. The first time I tried to do this with Dre, he looked at me and said, “Wait, are you sulking because I’m not paying attention to you?”

I was like, “Gah! No! Jeez! Um… Kind of? Ok, yes.”

His response was, “You know, it’s way easier if you just ask me for my attention. It saves me the trouble of having to figure out that what you want.”

And so now I say things like, “I’m tired and whiny. Will you pay attention to me and pat my head and tell me it will be alright?”

And he does! It works out awesome for both of us.

Be kind
Obviously, the above rule comes with a serious caveat. Dre’s constructive feedback worked because he was kind and loving in the way he delivered it. Sure, being kind is sort of a vague umbrella topic … but it includes all the good stuff like compromise, prioritizing your partner’s needs over your own sometimes, and just generally treating your beloved the way you like to be treated. This also includes being collectively kind as a couple: do not inflict your bickering on the world. Couples who bicker publicly make me sad for them, and angry for those of us that have to listen.

Don’t be each other’s everything
It’s a lot of pressure to put on someone to be your roommate, financial partner, lover, best friend, etc. While I’m the first to admit that Dre and I rely heavily on each other for emotional support, I’m also happy to say that we both have a LOT of help. Both of us have a network of trusted and beloved friends, colleagues, teammates, and family who we can turn to. We lean on each other a lot, but both of us also have a lot of other outlets for socializing, hobbies, and support.

I’m so happy being Dre’s “almost everything,” but I’m also really glad that he has other people with whom he can write music, play soccer, practice circus tricks, rock climb, talk about ideas for a future medical career, etc. etc. Likewise, I’m sure he’s happy to have temporary breaks in the non-stop Ariel jabber about social media, book publishing, blogging, marketing, networking, etc.

…obviously, these things work for Dre and me because, uh, we’re us. You’re not us, so I have no idea if any of these things will resonate or work in your partnership.

Mostly, I think we’re just really really really lucky, but whatever it is, I’m ceaselessly grateful, and doggedly devoted.