Daily affirmations of a word mercenary
[This is an important post. If I know you in "real life" and you read Electrolicious regularly, it affects you.]
Since returning to my hometown, I’ve realized that more Seattleites than I realized have been regularly reading my blog. Acquaintances I haven’t talked to in years know all about what I’ve been up to. Friends of friends have turned into daily visitors. And yet strangely, many of you have been lurkers: reading, but not emailing; following my life, but not sharing anything about yours.
That’s a very strange sensation.
A story: after I moved to Los Angeles last year, I lost touch with my father. Without our regular Seattle dinner outings, I found that weeks would go by with not a peep from him. It was very strange and sad-making until I realized that my blog was to blame. You see, my father felt like he had been keeping in touch with me — why, he heard from me every day! The only problem was that I didn’t hear from him every day, and so while he had the impression of staying in contact with me, I was left feeling lonely and out of touch.
After I pointed the situation out to him, he became much better at reciprocating: he still reads my blog every day (hi, dad!), but he makes a concerted point to step up to his end of the communication bargain, and it made all the difference. A phone call, an email, a comment — he lets me know he’s reading and that he cares.
The joy of this here blog is that it helps me keep in touch with friends far and wide. I’m increasingly realizing, however, that the vast majority of those friends don’t return the favor.
I know, I know: get out the little electric violin and play me a sad song, right? But I’m serious.
It’s something I say in the “what IS this?” page linked over there in the sidebar, but clearly I need to repeat it: If I know you in real life, and you read this blog, you really need to make the effort to communicate with me. For some strange reason I’m fine with people I don’t know lurking in the sidelines, reading about this strange woman on the interweb. I don’t know them, they don’t know me. But if I know you in real life, your right to lurk is unequivocally revoked.
People I know lurking on Electrolicious contributes to this strange feeling that there are a lot of people in my “real life” who know me, but don’t give me the opportunity to know them. It’s sort of a strange lonely feeling, so I’m bringing it out into the open and staring it straight in the face.
There’s a lot of my life that doesn’t appear on this blog, so if you know me in real life and think you’re getting the full story, you’re not. You definitely should get in touch because there is all sorts of lewd, scandalous, fantastic-ness that will never make it on the blog.
Note: just because you read Electrolicious doesn’t mean you know me, and it certainly doesn’t mean I know you…unless you make an effort to let me. A comment, an email, whatever. If I know you, you read Electrolicious, and you don’t communicate with me, you’re committing a strange sort of emotional vampirism. It’s almost enough to make me consider making the site password protected, not because I don’t want people reading, but simply so that I can know you better.
I don’t want to do that, so how about from here on out, you all make efforts to be better, more communicative readers? It would help me feel less weird about all this.
Thanks.
Clarification
Thanks for all the comments, but I guess I need to restate that this post isn’t intended as a request for more general feedback from blog readers. I’m talking here to people I have “real life” relationships with, people who I want to encourage to keep me up to date on THEIR lives, while they read about mine. For all of you bloggers out there, thanks for your comments and concern, but it’s easy for me to keep tabs on y’all since, well, you have blogs. It’s my non-blogging real-life friends people who I’m losing touch with.
Hey there. I'm Ariel Meadow Stallings, a native Seattleite who's written my way up and down the Left Coast. Electrolicious is where I post daily randomata, but I also write for a living. My first book, Offbeat Bride, was published last year.
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shana
October 25th, 2003 at 7:34 pm
very well said post. my compliments.
(we met once through terra - you were in ny to interview with nerve and you came into my office to meet up with her. but you probably don’t remember me. so i don’t know if i count as someone you “know” - but i think you’re a great writer, regardless.)
paisley
October 25th, 2003 at 8:53 pm
well i don’t “know” you in real life
but i am glad to have met you via the internet .
i know this post wasn’t really directed at people like me.(meaning: “barely internet/real life friends” people) but i hope i make it known that i enjoy the slices of your life you share with me. i thank you for it . i don’t really feel you aim to return the same to me so much, but not everyone hits it off equally , so i try not to take it personally , since we don’t know one another so who knows what friends we might be if we met in “real life”.
im rambling - sorry .. but my point is to say thanks, and im here , reading daily, and glad for your spin on life..
Maggie Houtz
October 25th, 2003 at 8:56 pm
Oh, my dear…how simply awful to have had such a result from something you pour your heart into! Your point is well spoken.
Martini Nights will never be the same without you.
Anna
October 26th, 2003 at 2:07 am
>>There’s a lot of my life that doesn’t appear on this blog, so if you know me in real life and think you’re getting the full story, you’re not.
That’s THE tricky thing about online diaries/blogs. Much as the writing may sound very heart-felt and “natural”, very “true” (as in the case of electrolicious), what one reads is necessarily an edited version of somebody’s life. Sometimes the editing’s elaborate, some other times it’s not. But edited it is, always. And then again, aren’t personal emails edited? Or phone calls? Or chats over drinks? I mean, don’t we always try to keep some part of our private lives to ourselves (privacy…)?
Personally, Ariel, although I’ve never met you (well, we spoke on the phone once, does that count as a “meeting”??) I feel close to you in ways I’ve never felt with members of my own circle of friends. I trust you and what you write about yourself/your life. I believe that electrolicious, albeit edited, is about AMS, not about an alter ego, a fictional character AMS has created for writing purposes.
And, for me, that’s where the difference lies between a personal blog and a magazine column/memoir/website/any other autobiographical writing project.
Thank you!
Nick
October 26th, 2003 at 4:22 am
Hi Ariel,
Lurking as charged. We have exchanged a couple messages… nothing of huge consequence. I enjoy reading your site as welcome respite from the usual tsunami of world news. It is always nice to read your posts… grounded in the NW, grounded in common sense, grounded in an ongoing sense of wonder/joy for our evolving world.
Thanks for writing!
Welcome back to the Emerald City,
Nick
Jayme
October 26th, 2003 at 5:50 am
Oh. I feel guilty. I don’t know you in real life, but I prepare your oatmeal recipe every morning for my breakfast, so I feel like I owe you more than my usual lurking.
I promise to comment on your posts more, Ariel! Thanks for your blog - it’s one of the most entertaining out there.
alison
October 26th, 2003 at 7:02 am
a few weeks ago i was at a club seeing a show and a woman came up and tapped me on the shoulder. “is it weird for me to come up and tell you that i read your site?” she asked me.
“of course not!” i said.
“well, i really enjoy reading, and i just wanted to let you know that.”
“thank you!” i said, surprised and pleased. we introduced ourselves (it was funny for me to say, “i’m alison,” since she already knew that and so many other things about me) and spent a few minutes talking before she went to get a beer. i was so happy that she came over and said hi. it made me feel like the statistics i check every day aren’t just numbers, but real people with names and handshakes and beer preferences. perhaps not wholly related to your post, but i thought i’d share.
dori
October 26th, 2003 at 7:55 am
good lord can i identify (at least with the lurkers on MY site - there are times i have no idea who’s reading until i get a random comment or email - from someone i thought i’d lost touch with!) NOT, of course, that i know you really well in real life - but ariel, i CAN always count on you for a response, i do know that much.
Anna
October 26th, 2003 at 10:24 am
The lack of feedback is a lonely feeling, like one’s simply shouting at the wind. I’ll make a concerted effort to comment more frequently and lurk less.
Philos
October 26th, 2003 at 12:37 pm
First, I think it’s funny that the immediate responses to your post are from people, like me, who don’t really know you in person.
Second, I feel like the woman who approached Alison - it’s a weird thing to approach someone you’re familiar with from years of reading their weblog, facing the fact that even if you don’t *really* know the weblogger, they know you even less; and you feel a connection that the weblogger can’t and doesn’t.
Third, I’ve never met you in person, but one reason I know of you and read your weblog is because of my friend TonyD (of tony.dowler.com), who has met you, or so I understand. So that sort of makes me fall into the FOAF category. (The other reason I know of you is from reading little.yellow.different, which I started reading because TonyD blogged it.)
Finally: hi, I’m Phil. I do not have a weblog. I do have a LiveJournal that I occasionally post in (LJ/users/philaros), but I’m more active on DelphiForums, particularly the one linked as my webpage. Not that I expect you to start reading Delphi, just that that’s where I’m at.
That wasn’t “finally,” this is: Finally, thanks for sharing some of your life with us via your weblog. Your writing rocks.
erica
October 26th, 2003 at 1:58 pm
hey ariel -
i’m still lurking, 2.5 years post-columbia, and though we have communicated a bit here and there through email, i know full well that we don’t “know” each other. i just love reading what you have to say. and i promise to say more in return. your post was heartfelt and i will hold up my end of the bargain!
best wishes, erica
sean
October 26th, 2003 at 2:17 pm
Hey Air,
I was hoping I’d be one of the r/l people to know you soon, if I got accepted to Antioch University LA, but obviously that’s not going to happen now; the closest place to you where I’ve found a decent MFA programme is Oregon.
I don’t know, I guess that for some of us it’s easier for us to maintain our own blogs than to keep contacting other people on a regular basis. Especially here on Electrolicious, I find it hard to reply to a lot of your posts just because you and I have such different interests. Maybe it’s the same for some of the people you know in r/l, so that’s why they’re not communicating with you so much.
Ariel
October 26th, 2003 at 4:10 pm
Phil said: First, I think it’s funny that the immediate responses to your post are from people, like me, who don’t really know you in person.
…I noticed the same thing, too. Remember, internet denizens: this post mostly relates to folksies I know in real life. Y’all internetties allowed to lurk all you want.
Jeanette
October 26th, 2003 at 4:45 pm
I think I will be the first to isagree with you, and the other posters on this.
First of all, I love your blog, and I like reading about your life, but I find it strange that if you are
a writer, and especially love to write narrative non fiction; that you have the need for some kind of
response from your readers. As an employed writer in this world, you are often in the position of exposing yourself and your feelings without the need of ego
stroking from your readers. Part of the appeal / fear of being a writer is exposing yourself and your
feelings. I don’t see how the demanding of a response
of those reading your writing; especially when you say
that it is an edited version of your life- is a reasonable request.
I can only reiterate, if you want to put it out there, I admire and respect you for sharing your
thoughts and feelings, but you cannot demand that people will want to do the same.
Ariel
October 26th, 2003 at 4:46 pm
Hey, Jeanette.
I’m only demanding a response from people who I know in my non-internet life.
I say that several times in my post, but I may need to reiterate it [note: added clarification], because many blogging readers seem to be getting the impression that I need more feedback from THEM. This isn’t about feedback: it’s about maintaining friendships with people I already know.
heidi janet
October 27th, 2003 at 9:59 am
you know, i just had this experience with my father also! i’ve had many dramatic events these last few months, that i haven’t posted about (public drama, eww). but since he reads my blog, he thinks we’ve been “catching up”. but he doesn’t comment, so how would i know?
anyway, i’ve been feeling the same way lately and know the feeling.
so all you lurkers out there…come out of the shadows! let us know you’re there!
heidi janet
October 27th, 2003 at 10:03 am
p.s. and trust me there are _lots_ of lewd and scandalous stories that never make it through the posting filter.
Panda
October 27th, 2003 at 10:46 am
I wish I knew someone like you in real life. Does that count? ^_^
cory
October 27th, 2003 at 11:25 am
Not only am I a lurker on the net… but also at Venice parties… quiet, friendly, unassuming… but ALWAYS listening… and there two people conversing about blogs(could have even been you!), not knowing what a blog was, I listened, in a very spy kind of way… and your site came up .. I made a mental note, checked it out the next day and was hooked… even have attempted to start my own… but alas… it is hard… much kudos to you… so there you go… back to lurking mode
Owen
October 28th, 2003 at 4:57 pm
Define “real life…”
Point taken, Ariel, but for those of us who revel in some of your more spontaneous and edgy utterances(read “borderline tasteless and rather editworthy”), live conversation can never be replaced.
Heh.
Tania
October 30th, 2003 at 12:16 am
OK - I haven’t said anything since you moved back to Seattle. It blows that you’ve left but it seems like you’re happy so I guess I’ll have to be content with going up there for a visit now and then.
- T
kim
November 2nd, 2003 at 9:17 pm
unrelated: meeting for drinks to discuss regular hooping @ clubs = good
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