Daily affirmations of a word mercenary
Cleanse Category
Andreas and I done the “Arise & Shine” intestinal cleanse a few times back in the day. It’s a pretty intensive thing — anywhere from 14 to 40 days of a strict fruit and vegetable diet, combined with these crazy herbal pills and what we call “glop shakes.” I’m not sure I’d recommend it, but this category tracks our experiences.
Well Dressed
19
Mar
2003
In: Cleanse
Yesterday, a coworker happened past my desk as I was finishing my lunch. She spied a mysterious bottle sitting near my keyboard.
Having gotten used to strange clays, fibers, green juices, rare sprouts, and all sorts of other oddities being on my desk during my cleanse, my coworker exclaimed, “What is this?!” as she picked the incriminating bottle off my desk…
…and found that it was ranch salad dressing.
Cleanse - Day 27
2
Mar
2003
In: Cleanse
The fast is broken! We just split a salad from our favorite Thai restaurant. It feels very strange to have food in my stomach for the first time since Thursday (!? did I really just type that?), and I’m very happy to have marked my return into the living world.
Dre and I talked over how the cleanse had gone while we were waiting for our salad to arrive. We both felt like it went pretty well, his only cheat being a knish in San Francisco, and mine being ibuprofin on Friday. The cleanse felt successful, although perhaps not quite as much as the first time we did it, since prior to that point we’d both been living pretty toxic lifestyles…therefore there was more to cleanse. Since then we’ve been relatively healthy, so while there was plenty of mucoid plaque, there simply wasn’t as much to clear out.
The weirdest thing about this cleanse was the semi-OCD cleanse relapse dreams I had. I’m not quite sure if that’s LA’s own weird food issues creeping into my psyche or what, but it was disturbing to get a window into how seriously my subconscious was taking the restrictive diet. I’m not normally at all disciplined when it comes to food, and I think I prefer it that way rather than the middle of the night panic over thinking I’d accidently injested oatmeal for breakfast.
And now? I must go digest.
Cleanse - Day 26
1
Mar
2003
In: Cleanse
Day two of no food.
Today Andreas and I watched the entire first season of “Six Feet Under” on DVD. All 13 hours of it. I like it better than The Sopranos. It was a supremely effective distraction.
I also went and got that colonic, which was a really good choice. It was definitely a perfect treatment used in tandem with Arise & Shine — very very productive. Probably the equivalent of 8-10 trips to the bathroom. No joke.
Dre and I made a short trip to the farmer’s market to get vegetables for juicing, and a few items for once we’ve broken the fast. That was mildly sucky. But at least there is a bag of my favorite sprouts and two containers of that fantastic hummous waiting for us in the fridge. We also got some potato bread. Bread! How novel.
It was a gorgeous day out…warm and a slight beach breeze. I took a nap in the sun. How very sanitarium of me.
In the evening, I got hungry, but Dre and I kept tossing back glasses of carrot-celery-apple-ginger juice, and that would stave off the belly wolves.
If I’d been fasting alone, I would have broken the fast today. That’s what I did the last time I did the cleanse, when Dre didn’t do it with me. Doing one full day of no food alone is about all I can take. The only way I was able to do the second one was with a little support. I would whine, “I’m hungry,” and Dre would say “One more day!” It’s good to have a bolster.
Oh, and I got out some of the greatest burps of all time. If that’s not cheap entertainment, I don’t know what is.
Cleanse - Day 25
28
Feb
2003
In: Cleanse
So, I’m now at -7 pounds from when I started the cleanse. Weight has not dropped as much as I expected, which suggests that if I want to lose weight after this cleanse, it’s going to be a metabolism/exercise issue, and not a dietary change. If a diet this radical has results that small (because let’s be honest: 5 of that 7 lbs is just food that’s not in my system), it’s clear that my body isn’t in the shape it’s in because of food…it’s because of a slowing metabolism. Makes sense, I suppose.
This morning was pretty touch and go. While some women claim that the Arise & Shine Cleanse makes their menstrual cramps disappear, I did not enjoy that benefit. Medications are verboten while cleansing, but I’m sorry: I was not going to make it through the day at work without my ibuprofin. But I tried to go without it for a couple hours, and was in a strange distorted land of aches, pains, and delusions.
The amount of mucoid plaque coming out of me is truly stunning. I’m not sure if any of you really want to hear more, but if you’re curious, email me privately and I’ll fill you in on the gruesome details.
I haven’t worked out at all this week, which makes me feel a little stiff and creaky, but I really don’t think it would be a good idea to go pushing myself when I’m permanently running on empty. Plus it would make me feel way too much like an after school special. “Ariel was a normal healthy girl. Next thing we knew, she was only ingesting weird new age glop shakes, working out every day of the week, and cutting off her arms to ‘drop those extra 15 pounds.’ She eventually became allergic to dairy, all grains, soy, all spices, foods beginning with the letter ‘p,’ green vegetables, red fruits, Vitamin C, and water.”
You’ll note the distinct lack of a “MORE…” link in this post. That’s because there’s no menu to report. Today I drank juice.
Cleanse - Day 24
27
Feb
2003
In: Cleanse
I spent most of the day today feeling great. Really really good. Not hungry. Not shaky. Definitely no delerium. I actually had the fleeting thought, “Why do people bother with eating when it’s so easy not to?” Then I smelled popcorn and remembered that I was functioning as temporary non-human, and to shut up.
Mucoid plaque expellation is impressive. Let’s just quantify it this way: a couple feet a day. At least. Gross! Satisfying!
Tonight we ate our last cleanse meal. And our last meal until Sunday night.
Upon crawling into bed last night, I spooned up to Andreas’ back, curled an arm around his waist, and sighed.
*Dre:* We’re so close…
*Me:* Yes. We are. [Gives him a little squeeze. Thinks, "What a sweet thing to say!"]
*Dre:* …Only four days left until we can eat regular food!
*Me:* Oh. Right. That too.
Well Dressed
19 Mar 2003 In: CleanseYesterday, a coworker happened past my desk as I was finishing my lunch. She spied a mysterious bottle sitting near my keyboard.
Having gotten used to strange clays, fibers, green juices, rare sprouts, and all sorts of other oddities being on my desk during my cleanse, my coworker exclaimed, “What is this?!” as she picked the incriminating bottle off my desk…
…and found that it was ranch salad dressing.
Cleanse - Day 27
2 Mar 2003 In: CleanseThe fast is broken! We just split a salad from our favorite Thai restaurant. It feels very strange to have food in my stomach for the first time since Thursday (!? did I really just type that?), and I’m very happy to have marked my return into the living world.
Dre and I talked over how the cleanse had gone while we were waiting for our salad to arrive. We both felt like it went pretty well, his only cheat being a knish in San Francisco, and mine being ibuprofin on Friday. The cleanse felt successful, although perhaps not quite as much as the first time we did it, since prior to that point we’d both been living pretty toxic lifestyles…therefore there was more to cleanse. Since then we’ve been relatively healthy, so while there was plenty of mucoid plaque, there simply wasn’t as much to clear out.
The weirdest thing about this cleanse was the semi-OCD cleanse relapse dreams I had. I’m not quite sure if that’s LA’s own weird food issues creeping into my psyche or what, but it was disturbing to get a window into how seriously my subconscious was taking the restrictive diet. I’m not normally at all disciplined when it comes to food, and I think I prefer it that way rather than the middle of the night panic over thinking I’d accidently injested oatmeal for breakfast.
And now? I must go digest.
Cleanse - Day 26
1 Mar 2003 In: CleanseDay two of no food.
Today Andreas and I watched the entire first season of “Six Feet Under” on DVD. All 13 hours of it. I like it better than The Sopranos. It was a supremely effective distraction.
I also went and got that colonic, which was a really good choice. It was definitely a perfect treatment used in tandem with Arise & Shine — very very productive. Probably the equivalent of 8-10 trips to the bathroom. No joke.
Dre and I made a short trip to the farmer’s market to get vegetables for juicing, and a few items for once we’ve broken the fast. That was mildly sucky. But at least there is a bag of my favorite sprouts and two containers of that fantastic hummous waiting for us in the fridge. We also got some potato bread. Bread! How novel.
It was a gorgeous day out…warm and a slight beach breeze. I took a nap in the sun. How very sanitarium of me.
In the evening, I got hungry, but Dre and I kept tossing back glasses of carrot-celery-apple-ginger juice, and that would stave off the belly wolves.
If I’d been fasting alone, I would have broken the fast today. That’s what I did the last time I did the cleanse, when Dre didn’t do it with me. Doing one full day of no food alone is about all I can take. The only way I was able to do the second one was with a little support. I would whine, “I’m hungry,” and Dre would say “One more day!” It’s good to have a bolster.
Oh, and I got out some of the greatest burps of all time. If that’s not cheap entertainment, I don’t know what is.
Cleanse - Day 25
28 Feb 2003 In: CleanseSo, I’m now at -7 pounds from when I started the cleanse. Weight has not dropped as much as I expected, which suggests that if I want to lose weight after this cleanse, it’s going to be a metabolism/exercise issue, and not a dietary change. If a diet this radical has results that small (because let’s be honest: 5 of that 7 lbs is just food that’s not in my system), it’s clear that my body isn’t in the shape it’s in because of food…it’s because of a slowing metabolism. Makes sense, I suppose.
This morning was pretty touch and go. While some women claim that the Arise & Shine Cleanse makes their menstrual cramps disappear, I did not enjoy that benefit. Medications are verboten while cleansing, but I’m sorry: I was not going to make it through the day at work without my ibuprofin. But I tried to go without it for a couple hours, and was in a strange distorted land of aches, pains, and delusions.
The amount of mucoid plaque coming out of me is truly stunning. I’m not sure if any of you really want to hear more, but if you’re curious, email me privately and I’ll fill you in on the gruesome details.
I haven’t worked out at all this week, which makes me feel a little stiff and creaky, but I really don’t think it would be a good idea to go pushing myself when I’m permanently running on empty. Plus it would make me feel way too much like an after school special. “Ariel was a normal healthy girl. Next thing we knew, she was only ingesting weird new age glop shakes, working out every day of the week, and cutting off her arms to ‘drop those extra 15 pounds.’ She eventually became allergic to dairy, all grains, soy, all spices, foods beginning with the letter ‘p,’ green vegetables, red fruits, Vitamin C, and water.”
You’ll note the distinct lack of a “MORE…” link in this post. That’s because there’s no menu to report. Today I drank juice.
Cleanse - Day 24
27 Feb 2003 In: CleanseI spent most of the day today feeling great. Really really good. Not hungry. Not shaky. Definitely no delerium. I actually had the fleeting thought, “Why do people bother with eating when it’s so easy not to?” Then I smelled popcorn and remembered that I was functioning as temporary non-human, and to shut up.
Mucoid plaque expellation is impressive. Let’s just quantify it this way: a couple feet a day. At least. Gross! Satisfying!
Tonight we ate our last cleanse meal. And our last meal until Sunday night.
Upon crawling into bed last night, I spooned up to Andreas’ back, curled an arm around his waist, and sighed.
*Dre:* We’re so close…
*Me:* Yes. We are. [Gives him a little squeeze. Thinks, "What a sweet thing to say!"]
*Dre:* …Only four days left until we can eat regular food!
*Me:* Oh. Right. That too.
Hey there. I'm Ariel Meadow Stallings, a native Seattleite who's written my way up and down the Left Coast. Electrolicious is where I post daily randomata, but I also write for a living. My first book, Offbeat Bride, was published last year.
You're reading a page from the archives. Check the homepage for current content.
