Daily affirmations of a word mercenary
Eavesdropper Category
I once went to a deaf night at a Seattle bar. The place was packed with people, but almost completely silent, save for outbursts of laughter. It was a great time to look around at an increasingly-drunk crowd, all signing and drinking and laughing. Then I thought of something, and turned to my friend Echo.
Me: Echo, as a hearing person, if I want to eavesdrop on someone, I have to be pretty close to them to overhear their conversation. And in a bar, I have to be right next to someone to hear them over the noise.
Echo: And?
Me: But, with sign language, you can eavesdrop on someone all the way across the room, can’t you?
Echo: …Except for that would be rude, Ariel.
Echo may be disappointed by this category, but I just eavesdrop on myself.
Mixed Metaphor
20
Dec
2003
In: Eavesdropper
Me: She’s a sharp cookie.
Steve: Bit of a mixed metaphor there.
Me: Oh shit: you’re right. Sharp cookie. I’m sorry.
Steve: I was thinking, “Pocky Stix?”
Ex2
18
Nov
2003
In: Eavesdropper
When I got back into Seattle, I sent out an email with all my new contact information. I included virtually everyone in my personal address book, because I’m compulsive about keeping in touch.
Two ex-boyfriends were included in the mail out. I try to keep on relatively good terms with my former lovers — well, with the exceptions of the one that’s dead and the ones that were more, erm, casual in nature (i.e. barely remember first names, let alone last.)
The exchanges I had with the two exes perfectly captured each of them perfectly.
Ex #1: Welcome back to town! The wife and I would love to have dinner with you and Dre when you get settled! Do you need anything?
Me: What, you got a couple meat tenderizers left over from the wedding? 
Naw, I think we’re ok … thanks, though. I’ll get in touch when we’re settled in.
Ex #1: [No response. Perhaps offended by meat tenderizer comment, or perhaps just assuming (correctly) that I'll get back in touch when we're settled in.]
Ex #2: Welcome back to town! Did your boyfriend move up, too? Wasn’t he a marine biologist or something?
Me: No, you’re thinking of my old roommate, Tim, who was an oceanographer. Andreas is an audio engineer.
Ex #2: That’s right. An audio “engineer.”
Me: [No response. Clearly, ex-boyfriend is still a bit of an arrogant "prick."]
S-M-R-T
17
Nov
2003
In: Eavesdropper
Me: So, I need to give you my new address, so you can mail our deposit back.
Property Manager: Ok, shoot.
Me: Bla bla bla Avenue East, Apartment 3, Seattle 98112.
Property Manager: Ok, let me repeat that back. Bla bla bla Avenue East, Apartment 3, Seattle, California, 98112.
Me: Um, no: Seattle, Washington.
Property Manager: Oh. Is that WA?
Me: Yes.
Did the dude REALLY think there was a Seattle, CA, or was he just not listening at all?
Fishing
4
Nov
2003
In: Eavesdropper
Me, arranging plastic goldfish in my bathroom: Heh.
Placing one under the sink in the U of the piping: Heh.
Sticking one on the side of the toilet paper dispenser: This is funny.
Placing another behind the toilet seat: Heh-heh.
Talking to yourself is the best.
Reminds me of this one time I walked into the room to find Andreas muttering to himself while gesticulating in the air with his hands. He seemed to be drawing circles or triangles in the air with his fingertips, and when I asked him what he was working out, he was mortified at being caught waving his arms about and claimed to have forgotten.
I love the things we do when nobody else is there.
Early-Onset Maternal Butt-Kissing
16
Oct
2003
In: Eavesdropper
Mom: So, what’s your favorite part of the day at school?
Kindergarten-aged son: Recess.
Mom: What’s your second favorite part of the day?
Son: Hanging out with you.
Mom: Aww, that’s very sweet. Thank you.
Me: Second billing to recess — not bad!
Mom: Nope, especially coming from this boy!
From the #1
14
Sep
2003
In: Eavesdropper
A: Well, look at that: someone found my website by searching for “DRE’S HOOKERS LIST.”
A: Really?
A: Yup.
A: You’re number one on my list, baby.
sniff. He always says the sweetest things.
How We All Should Answer
5
Sep
2003
In: Eavesdropper
Security Guard: How you doing today?
Office worker: Blessed! You?
Security Guard: Quite well.
Office worker: Great!
Environmental Symptoms
30
Jul
2003
In: Eavesdropper
A: I like my girlfriend’s glasses,
I think they’re really cute,
I like my girlfriend’s glasses,
so much I want to poop.
A: That doesn’t rhyme.
A: Eminem doesn’t always rhyme, but he makes it work.
A: Are you saying you’re like Slim Shady?
A: [looking down at belly] I think I’m Fat Shady.
You know Los Angeles is getting to Andreas when he A) compares himself to Eminem and B) feels fat. We’re going to be pop cultural bulimics by the time we get out of here.
Toilet Sign
13
Jul
2003
In: Eavesdropper
Sign next to a friend’s toilet:
#1 stays up.
#2 goes down.
And if you flush anything that came in a package,
You will make our toilet frown.
5½ Years Later
9
Jul
2003
In: Eavesdropper
This morning, as I picked through the pile of clean laundry on the living room floor finding clothes to wear, I glanced up to see Andreas look at me.
“What are you doing?” I asked him, as I pulled on a pair of wrinkly jeans two sizes bigger than the ones I used to wear.
“Watching you,” he answered simply.
“Why?” I said.
“Because I think you’re beautiful,” he smiled.
Aww. I think I got the best one in the world.
Echo: And?
Me: But, with sign language, you can eavesdrop on someone all the way across the room, can’t you?
Echo: …Except for that would be rude, Ariel.
Mixed Metaphor
20 Dec 2003 In: EavesdropperMe: She’s a sharp cookie.
Steve: Bit of a mixed metaphor there.
Me: Oh shit: you’re right. Sharp cookie. I’m sorry.
Steve: I was thinking, “Pocky Stix?”
Ex2
18 Nov 2003 In: EavesdropperWhen I got back into Seattle, I sent out an email with all my new contact information. I included virtually everyone in my personal address book, because I’m compulsive about keeping in touch.
Two ex-boyfriends were included in the mail out. I try to keep on relatively good terms with my former lovers — well, with the exceptions of the one that’s dead and the ones that were more, erm, casual in nature (i.e. barely remember first names, let alone last.)
The exchanges I had with the two exes perfectly captured each of them perfectly.
Ex #1: Welcome back to town! The wife and I would love to have dinner with you and Dre when you get settled! Do you need anything?
Me: What, you got a couple meat tenderizers left over from the wedding?
Ex #1: [No response. Perhaps offended by meat tenderizer comment, or perhaps just assuming (correctly) that I'll get back in touch when we're settled in.]
Ex #2: Welcome back to town! Did your boyfriend move up, too? Wasn’t he a marine biologist or something?
Me: No, you’re thinking of my old roommate, Tim, who was an oceanographer. Andreas is an audio engineer.
Ex #2: That’s right. An audio “engineer.”
Me: [No response. Clearly, ex-boyfriend is still a bit of an arrogant "prick."]
S-M-R-T
17 Nov 2003 In: EavesdropperMe: So, I need to give you my new address, so you can mail our deposit back.
Property Manager: Ok, shoot.
Me: Bla bla bla Avenue East, Apartment 3, Seattle 98112.
Property Manager: Ok, let me repeat that back. Bla bla bla Avenue East, Apartment 3, Seattle, California, 98112.
Me: Um, no: Seattle, Washington.
Property Manager: Oh. Is that WA?
Me: Yes.
Did the dude REALLY think there was a Seattle, CA, or was he just not listening at all?
Fishing
4 Nov 2003 In: EavesdropperMe, arranging plastic goldfish in my bathroom: Heh.
Placing one under the sink in the U of the piping: Heh.
Sticking one on the side of the toilet paper dispenser: This is funny.
Placing another behind the toilet seat: Heh-heh.
Talking to yourself is the best.
Reminds me of this one time I walked into the room to find Andreas muttering to himself while gesticulating in the air with his hands. He seemed to be drawing circles or triangles in the air with his fingertips, and when I asked him what he was working out, he was mortified at being caught waving his arms about and claimed to have forgotten.
I love the things we do when nobody else is there.
Early-Onset Maternal Butt-Kissing
16 Oct 2003 In: EavesdropperMom: So, what’s your favorite part of the day at school?
Kindergarten-aged son: Recess.
Mom: What’s your second favorite part of the day?
Son: Hanging out with you.
Mom: Aww, that’s very sweet. Thank you.
Me: Second billing to recess — not bad!
Mom: Nope, especially coming from this boy!
From the #1
14 Sep 2003 In: EavesdropperA: Well, look at that: someone found my website by searching for “DRE’S HOOKERS LIST.”
A: Really?
A: Yup.
A: You’re number one on my list, baby.
sniff. He always says the sweetest things.
How We All Should Answer
5 Sep 2003 In: EavesdropperSecurity Guard: How you doing today?
Office worker: Blessed! You?
Security Guard: Quite well.
Office worker: Great!
Environmental Symptoms
30 Jul 2003 In: EavesdropperA: I like my girlfriend’s glasses,
I think they’re really cute,
I like my girlfriend’s glasses,
so much I want to poop.A: That doesn’t rhyme.
A: Eminem doesn’t always rhyme, but he makes it work.
A: Are you saying you’re like Slim Shady?
A: [looking down at belly] I think I’m Fat Shady.
You know Los Angeles is getting to Andreas when he A) compares himself to Eminem and B) feels fat. We’re going to be pop cultural bulimics by the time we get out of here.
Toilet Sign
13 Jul 2003 In: EavesdropperSign next to a friend’s toilet:
#1 stays up.
#2 goes down.
And if you flush anything that came in a package,
You will make our toilet frown.
5½ Years Later
9 Jul 2003 In: EavesdropperThis morning, as I picked through the pile of clean laundry on the living room floor finding clothes to wear, I glanced up to see Andreas look at me.
“What are you doing?” I asked him, as I pulled on a pair of wrinkly jeans two sizes bigger than the ones I used to wear.“Watching you,” he answered simply.
“Why?” I said.
“Because I think you’re beautiful,” he smiled.
Aww. I think I got the best one in the world.
Hey there. I'm Ariel Meadow Stallings, a native Seattleite who's written my way up and down the Left Coast. Electrolicious is where I post daily randomata, but I also write for a living. My first book, Offbeat Bride, was published last year.
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