Daily affirmations of a word mercenary
Observations Category
I’ve studied Sociology both in college and out in the field. It’s about about observation. This is also known as “people watching,” but much more academic. Oh yes. So much more academic. (And no: I’m not being serious.)
Rocks Don’t
16
Jun
2003
In: Observations
Bumpersticker I saw on the way to work:
God forgives.
Rocks don’t.
I went through several theories about what this might mean.
1. Driver is a rock climber, and the statement is a meditation on his relationship with the difficult rocks he scales.
2. Driver is an environmentalist, and the statement is a meditation on the fact that, while God might forgive you for the way you abuse the planet, mother nature is a wrathful, resentful bitch who will punish and smote you mightely for all the abuse she’s received.
3. Driver is a geologist, and the statement is a meditation on his theological battles between his religion and his science.
Any theories? [Update: I should have written to Dear Donut to ask advice on this issue, because she had the answer to this bumpersticker mystery! Read more in the comments.]
Transcendance Show
2
Jun
2003
In: Observations
Where does the line between spiritual advisor and narcissist rest? Can you be a spiritual healer while also being a performer? If you preach love and loss of ego, can you do it while standing in the center of a circle, asking people to listen? Cult of personality obviously plays a vital role in many pious religious leaders’ appeal, but where does the ego stop, and the spirit begin? And is it so wrong of me to believe that those who know the most speak the least?
Celebratory Careers
29
May
2003
In: Observations
This was originally posted yesterday, but got lost in the server shuffle.
At what point does a glamorous urban party lifestyle slip over the line into mildly (or not so mildly) pathetic substance abuse? I’m not sure where I draw the line, but I’m confident I know when people cross over it. Is it more a factor of relativism, i.e. it’s “over the line” when you stop doing it? Or are there a few core factors?
For example, when I was at the height of my, uh, celebratory career, I was also working successfully at a law firm. For me, the fact that my nightlife didn’t interfere with my ability to have a “daylife” was my justification that I hadn’t slipped over the line.
Others draw the line differently. A columnist from my hometown closed a recent anti-drug column with the sentence, “And that’s the news from Bainbridge Island, where all the men commute to Seattle, all the women drive SUVs, and all the children learn that as long as you keep your grades up, you can get loaded on the weekend …”
Going my my theory, if they can keep their grades up while getting loaded on the weekend … more power to ‘em! They’re extra smart!
What do you think?
Fashionista
23
May
2003
In: Observations
My thoughts on trucker hats and all other fashion intentionally ugly, retrogusting, and ironic:
When it comes right down to it, this kind of styling is just a contest to see who can pull off the most heinous clothing by sheer force of their conceit. Goal: to be the one looking the worst with the most attitude. It’s a test of wills; a confidence contest. If you can keep your cool while wearing something as ugly as a trucker hat, coulots, or fanny pack, then you really must be confident.
…Or else just take yourself way too seriously.
Confidential to David Schmader
21
Apr
2003
In: Observations
Today, while stuck at a red light, I witnessed a woman plucking her chin hairs diligently at the wheel of her car. As traffic started to move, she continued her plucking — one eye on the road, the other on her sunvisor’s mirror, which I suppose revealed the offending chin hairs that remained, awaiting their final death in the clutches of the merciless silver tweezers. I was stunned and amazed, not because I was disgusted (although sure: that too), but because this meant that there are at least TWO chin-plucking drivers in the world. (You’ll need to scroll down to the February 14th listing to see what I’m talking about.) Perhaps it’s not a coincidence that Los Angeles Chin-Plucker, like Seattle Chin-Plucker, was a middle-aged woman driving an SUV.
Perhaps Chin-Plucker moved.
Simple proof that I drive the most lesbian car ever:
10
Apr
2003
In: Observations
Exhibit 1: The color
It’s purple.
Exhibit 2: The bumper stickers
Let’s see…when we got the truck, it had stickers on it. We’ve not added any of our own, so the current line up is “SAVE TIBET,” “I ♥ Newfoundlands,” a slightly peeling-off rainbow sticker, a Sarah Lawrence Alumna shield, and a University of Iowa Women’s Athletics Department sticker.
Exhibit 3: The smell
Still smells like that enormous happy Newfoundland who used to ride around in the passenger seat.
Exhibit 4: The vehicle itself
According to Cartalk, the Ford Ranger is the eighth most popular lesbian vehicle.
Exhibit 5: The former owner is a lesbian
If that’s not conclusive, I don’t know what is.
Drawers
2
Apr
2003
In: Observations
I have nicknamed our new upstairs neighbor “Drawers.” This is because s/he is a total clothes horse and obviously spends a lot of time opening and closing his/her drawers looking for just the right outfit. Starting at 6 am: “sliiiiide — slam! sliiiiiiide — slam!” S/he does it for usually 15 to 20 minutes before finding that perfect oufit.
Then again after work: “sliiiiide — slam! sliiiiiiide — slam!” Must be picking out the couture for this evening’s date? It’s almost impressive.
However, Drawers pales in comparison to Clogs, the upstairs neighbor I had in 1998. He liked to wake up early on Saturdays and march around his hardwood floors in clogs. I know because once I went up to ask him to quiet down a bit, and he answered the door … in clogs! He was vacuuming his rugs in clogs. At 8am. On a Saturday. Drawers may be bad, but s/he is nothing compared to that.
Sing It Loud
28
Mar
2003
In: Observations
When highly caffeinated, I always want to do karaoke. If I were doing singing outloud right now, the set would include: George Michael “Freedom ‘90,” Christina Aguilera “Underappreciated,” Cleveland Lounge/AK1200 “Drowning.”
Cellular
18
Jan
2003
In: Observations
I have not been the owner of what’s known as a “land line” for exactly 1.5 years. When I left Olympia for New York summer of 2001, I was armed only with my trusty cell phone, and it’s stayed that way since. There are advantages of living this way, and a few tricky lessons I’ve learned. Read on.
Bonus of cell-only living: Virtually no telemarketing!
Since my number isn’t listed anywhere, I’ve received perhaps three telemarketing calls in the last year. All of these were from my cellular providers (Sprint and AT&T).
Shortcoming: Customer service calls are a bitch.
It doesn’t matter if it’s an 800 number. If I have to call during the day, and I’m on hold for 20 minutes, there go 20 of my precious daytime minutes. And yes: those daytime minutes are precious.
Lesson: Do not be a victim to the ring.
I treat my cell like a home phone, which means I don’t always answer it — especially not when I’m visiting with friends. I’ve often talked to people who whine, “I hate having a cell! It’s always ringing and interrupting me!” To them I say, “Well then, shut the fucking thing off and your callers will figure out that you will call them back later.” Since my cell is my only phone, I’ve never let myself understand the whole victim of the ringing thing.
Advantage: Long distance is included!
This makes for tremendous value, considering that phone, voicemail, and long distance on a land line always added up to much more than the $45 I pay now.
Lesson: Talk to your friends in the evening and weekends.
Simple as that.
Advantage: With no home line, the only choice is to have a broadband connection!
Perhaps I’m fooling myself here, but dial-up simply is not an option. Cable modems are fast, furious, and relatively cheap ($35/mo). This should probably be a caveat, actually: I do much of my communicating via e-mail…so it’s relatively easy for me not to be on the phone all day long.
Advantage: I am no longer a secretary!
When Andreas and I shared a land line, I was often his secretary, answering questions about where he was, when he’d return, if I knew what audio sample he was planning on dropping into that song, etc. Now people trying to reach Andreas call his cell. If he’s hard to reach, it’s his problem.
Rocks Don’t
16 Jun 2003 In: ObservationsBumpersticker I saw on the way to work:
God forgives.
Rocks don’t.
I went through several theories about what this might mean.
1. Driver is a rock climber, and the statement is a meditation on his relationship with the difficult rocks he scales.
2. Driver is an environmentalist, and the statement is a meditation on the fact that, while God might forgive you for the way you abuse the planet, mother nature is a wrathful, resentful bitch who will punish and smote you mightely for all the abuse she’s received.
3. Driver is a geologist, and the statement is a meditation on his theological battles between his religion and his science.
Any theories? [Update: I should have written to Dear Donut to ask advice on this issue, because she had the answer to this bumpersticker mystery! Read more in the comments.]
Transcendance Show
2 Jun 2003 In: ObservationsWhere does the line between spiritual advisor and narcissist rest? Can you be a spiritual healer while also being a performer? If you preach love and loss of ego, can you do it while standing in the center of a circle, asking people to listen? Cult of personality obviously plays a vital role in many pious religious leaders’ appeal, but where does the ego stop, and the spirit begin? And is it so wrong of me to believe that those who know the most speak the least?
Celebratory Careers
29 May 2003 In: ObservationsThis was originally posted yesterday, but got lost in the server shuffle.
At what point does a glamorous urban party lifestyle slip over the line into mildly (or not so mildly) pathetic substance abuse? I’m not sure where I draw the line, but I’m confident I know when people cross over it. Is it more a factor of relativism, i.e. it’s “over the line” when you stop doing it? Or are there a few core factors?
For example, when I was at the height of my, uh, celebratory career, I was also working successfully at a law firm. For me, the fact that my nightlife didn’t interfere with my ability to have a “daylife” was my justification that I hadn’t slipped over the line.
Others draw the line differently. A columnist from my hometown closed a recent anti-drug column with the sentence, “And that’s the news from Bainbridge Island, where all the men commute to Seattle, all the women drive SUVs, and all the children learn that as long as you keep your grades up, you can get loaded on the weekend …”
Going my my theory, if they can keep their grades up while getting loaded on the weekend … more power to ‘em! They’re extra smart!
What do you think?
Fashionista
23 May 2003 In: ObservationsMy thoughts on trucker hats and all other fashion intentionally ugly, retrogusting, and ironic:
When it comes right down to it, this kind of styling is just a contest to see who can pull off the most heinous clothing by sheer force of their conceit. Goal: to be the one looking the worst with the most attitude. It’s a test of wills; a confidence contest. If you can keep your cool while wearing something as ugly as a trucker hat, coulots, or fanny pack, then you really must be confident.
…Or else just take yourself way too seriously.
Confidential to David Schmader
21 Apr 2003 In: ObservationsToday, while stuck at a red light, I witnessed a woman plucking her chin hairs diligently at the wheel of her car. As traffic started to move, she continued her plucking — one eye on the road, the other on her sunvisor’s mirror, which I suppose revealed the offending chin hairs that remained, awaiting their final death in the clutches of the merciless silver tweezers. I was stunned and amazed, not because I was disgusted (although sure: that too), but because this meant that there are at least TWO chin-plucking drivers in the world. (You’ll need to scroll down to the February 14th listing to see what I’m talking about.) Perhaps it’s not a coincidence that Los Angeles Chin-Plucker, like Seattle Chin-Plucker, was a middle-aged woman driving an SUV.
Perhaps Chin-Plucker moved.
Simple proof that I drive the most lesbian car ever:
10 Apr 2003 In: ObservationsExhibit 1: The color
It’s purple.
Exhibit 2: The bumper stickers
Let’s see…when we got the truck, it had stickers on it. We’ve not added any of our own, so the current line up is “SAVE TIBET,” “I ♥ Newfoundlands,” a slightly peeling-off rainbow sticker, a Sarah Lawrence Alumna shield, and a University of Iowa Women’s Athletics Department sticker.
Exhibit 3: The smell
Still smells like that enormous happy Newfoundland who used to ride around in the passenger seat.
Exhibit 4: The vehicle itself
According to Cartalk, the Ford Ranger is the eighth most popular lesbian vehicle.
Exhibit 5: The former owner is a lesbian
If that’s not conclusive, I don’t know what is.
Drawers
2 Apr 2003 In: ObservationsI have nicknamed our new upstairs neighbor “Drawers.” This is because s/he is a total clothes horse and obviously spends a lot of time opening and closing his/her drawers looking for just the right outfit. Starting at 6 am: “sliiiiide — slam! sliiiiiiide — slam!” S/he does it for usually 15 to 20 minutes before finding that perfect oufit.
Then again after work: “sliiiiide — slam! sliiiiiiide — slam!” Must be picking out the couture for this evening’s date? It’s almost impressive.
However, Drawers pales in comparison to Clogs, the upstairs neighbor I had in 1998. He liked to wake up early on Saturdays and march around his hardwood floors in clogs. I know because once I went up to ask him to quiet down a bit, and he answered the door … in clogs! He was vacuuming his rugs in clogs. At 8am. On a Saturday. Drawers may be bad, but s/he is nothing compared to that.
Sing It Loud
28 Mar 2003 In: ObservationsWhen highly caffeinated, I always want to do karaoke. If I were doing singing outloud right now, the set would include: George Michael “Freedom ‘90,” Christina Aguilera “Underappreciated,” Cleveland Lounge/AK1200 “Drowning.”
Cellular
18 Jan 2003 In: ObservationsI have not been the owner of what’s known as a “land line” for exactly 1.5 years. When I left Olympia for New York summer of 2001, I was armed only with my trusty cell phone, and it’s stayed that way since. There are advantages of living this way, and a few tricky lessons I’ve learned. Read on.
Bonus of cell-only living: Virtually no telemarketing!
Since my number isn’t listed anywhere, I’ve received perhaps three telemarketing calls in the last year. All of these were from my cellular providers (Sprint and AT&T).
Shortcoming: Customer service calls are a bitch.
It doesn’t matter if it’s an 800 number. If I have to call during the day, and I’m on hold for 20 minutes, there go 20 of my precious daytime minutes. And yes: those daytime minutes are precious.
Lesson: Do not be a victim to the ring.
I treat my cell like a home phone, which means I don’t always answer it — especially not when I’m visiting with friends. I’ve often talked to people who whine, “I hate having a cell! It’s always ringing and interrupting me!” To them I say, “Well then, shut the fucking thing off and your callers will figure out that you will call them back later.” Since my cell is my only phone, I’ve never let myself understand the whole victim of the ringing thing.
Advantage: Long distance is included!
This makes for tremendous value, considering that phone, voicemail, and long distance on a land line always added up to much more than the $45 I pay now.
Lesson: Talk to your friends in the evening and weekends.
Simple as that.
Advantage: With no home line, the only choice is to have a broadband connection!
Perhaps I’m fooling myself here, but dial-up simply is not an option. Cable modems are fast, furious, and relatively cheap ($35/mo). This should probably be a caveat, actually: I do much of my communicating via e-mail…so it’s relatively easy for me not to be on the phone all day long.
Advantage: I am no longer a secretary!
When Andreas and I shared a land line, I was often his secretary, answering questions about where he was, when he’d return, if I knew what audio sample he was planning on dropping into that song, etc. Now people trying to reach Andreas call his cell. If he’s hard to reach, it’s his problem.
Hey there. I'm Ariel Meadow Stallings, a native Seattleite who's written my way up and down the Left Coast. Electrolicious is where I post daily randomata, but I also write for a living. My first book, Offbeat Bride, was published last year.
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